Should He Love You More Than You Love Him?

Dear Portland,

Have you ever heard the saying..."he should love you more than you love him?" And if so, what is your opinion.

Signed, Just Asking

Dear Just Asking,

Yes, I've heard that adage many times. Usually from mature, wise, sometimes married women (mother, grandmother, aunt etc.) and men providing single women advice about men. Some women think it is very true and some completely toss it to the side as something similar to an old wives tale. What it means is... the relationship is much more likely to be a success; meaning dating and marriage that is, if the man has more interest than the woman. 

Listen, we've all had a girlfriend who obviously has deeper feelings than her man in the relationship and she makes a fool out of herself by going above an beyond what "we would do" for a man.  She buys him gifts, let's him drive her car...just a laundry list of craziness where she's convinced herself that he is the right man and she needs to prove her love for him...yeah, right!  We may call her a dummy; coincidentally a man making a fool of himself for a women is called romantic. Is that fair? No, but rarely are affairs of the heart. It's a double standard at best.
 
As for the adage itself, I think there is some validity to it. Here's why...

From a relationship standpoint most couples aren't romantically interested at the same level especially in the beginning of the relationship. Usually Ideally, he likes you and shows that by attempting to "convince" or "win you over" by taking you to dinner, the movies, concerts, wine festivals etc. in an attempt to "convince" you that he is a good man with the hope that you will like him in return and ultimately become his girlfriend.  The adage originates from him expressing his interest in a women much more than she does to him (e.g...dates, flowers, time etc.) or courting her.

I have a friend who was not attracted to her now husband when they first met.  He's  handsome, smart, educated and has turned out to be a good provider and father to thier children. Thing is, she liked that "other" type of guy.  The player, gaslighting dude she had to work with.  The one where she had to plan all the dates and had to eventually ask "where is this going?" And his response was some dumb random look of confusion.  Yeah, that guy!  But she woke up- and quick (thank goodness).  She realized that her now husband who did all the right things and pursued her like a gentlemen was the one that she ultimately knew was the best choice which made her fall in love with him.

So my opinion, is always keep this adage in the back of your mind when dating and entering into a relationship. Use it as a barometer to determine the level of interest and feelings that a man has for you and how he expresses them.

Just Answering Love,

Portland

Why Do Women Play Hard To Get?

Dear Portland,

If you are feeling a dude that respectfully approaches you, what is the point of playing hard to get???

Help, I'm Easy,

Dear I'm Easy,

Classic question...because we women like being chased and deep down men love to be the chaser no matter what they say!

Now That Wasn't So Hard After All Love,

Portland

Find A Man Who Calls You Beautiful- Repost

I hope this finds all of you well and safe. I'm re-posting this article while quarantined and revisiting my very neglected blog. I'm my life grew legs.  The good news is, I'm back and ready to answer your questions. 

I still think this article is an excellent thought addition to AskPortland and here's why...

Calling a women beautiful is one of the ultimate of compliments we love to hear especially if it comes from a quality man.

For me, it not only tells me that a man holds me in high regard, it tells me in a very intimate way that he's been thinking about me. I could go on and on...but "Hi Beautiful" as a greeting is simply the best.

Quarantined Love, Portland

https://www.torontosnumber1datedoctor.com/blog/find-a-guy-who-calls-you-beautiful/

Random...Eating Healthy at the Airport

Dear Portland,

Based on your posts and advice, I imagine you lead a healthy lifestyle and travel. I travel quite often for my job and for pleasure and have a difficult time with making healthy choices in the airport. Do you have any advice on making healthy choices while in the airport?

Signed Trying To Stay Healthy Traveler,

Dear Traveler,

You are correct on both I do try to live a healthy lifestyle and travel for work and pleasure pretty equally. Enjoying good food and experiencing other cultures through travel are two very important parts of my life. I occasionally get hungry while en-  route to my destination because of long flights and/or delays.

When I first started traveling I would actually wait until I got to the airport to eat a meal. While at home, me rushing to pack and get to my flight on time made food my last priority so I was always forced to grab something at the airport. That was years ago, and now that has all changed. Now I have a no-eating at the airport rule. One exception, is frozen yogurt which seems like I can only get at the airport as there are hardly any locations near my home or work.  Otherwise, there is no eating the high calorie and fat laden meals that they serve at the chain restaurants and bars that seem rush cooked and just are not that pleasing. I will grab a bag of nuts from the newsstand if I must have something for a long flight or I have this large tote bag and I purchase snacks from the grocery store the night before. 

I'm usually pretty hungry once I arrive at my destination. If its a popular city like New York, LA, or Boston  I usually meet friends or family and have done my research and found a place that is either famous,  has high customer ratings or a place highlighted on The Food Network.  

I bypass airport food as much as possible, even well known high-end chain steak and seafood restaurants because I personally just don't think a ton of effort is put into the food as the same location outside of the airport.

Additionally,  I always stay in a hotel with a gym and work out in the morning. That way, my workout is done and I don't have to think about it for the rest of the day. Although it can be challenging,  I try to eat low carb once I arrive at my destination. I allow myself one "cheat" meal especially if it's a popular or famous restaurant based on my research or a recommendation from a friend. I'm thankful and lucky that I've known someone in just about every destination I've traveled so I rarely eat alone.

Thanks again for this question as I never thought I'd be writing about my "airport rule" and providing healthier travel tips.  

Your Flight Is Now Boarding Love,

Portland

How Do I Ask Him For More of a Commitment?

Dear Portland,

I have been seeing Sean on and off for a few months. When we are together we have a great time. We laugh, I can really talk to him and we have a fabulous sexual chemistry. Yet, between dates he drops off the radar. We are both pretty busy , but when I call him, he usually doesn't get back to me for days or weeks then calls and suggests meeting. I want things to be more serious and can't wait forever. What should I do because I  want more of a committment.

Dear More Committment Wanted,

Sorry but this is a perfect example of a woman not managing her expectations. Although Sean is fun and you have chemistry, he has not said he cares for you and would like to be more than friends or asked you to be his girlfriend. Until he says any of those things he is a really cool friend that you have fun with but you should continue to see other men. Because he is most likely seeing other women. 

 

Stop calling him too. If I knew someone wasn't going to answer when I call or was going to get back to me weeks later and act like nothing happened--yeah stop calling. You said that you have fabulous sexual chemistry, right? I'm not sure if that means you have had sex with him or really want too... but please dont if you haven't. Not every guy is meant for you no matter how great he seems. And Sean's actions are saying he isnt ready for anything serious with you.

Look at it this way...you just met one of many nice guys out there ...and the next one you meet will be yours.

Keep Dating Love,

Portland

Is it Necessary to Play Games at the Beginning of a Relationship?

Dear Portland,

I'm dating this guy and I really like him. We met at work, but recently his position was moved to our downtown office so I never see him during the day anymore-which actually is a good thing. He asked me for my phone number and we talk pretty frequently and have gone out a few times also. However, lately he is not calling when he says he's going too and I'm getting really frustrated because whenever he calls I'm always available. It's not like I don't have a life, it's just that I consider him a priority in my life so..when he calls I answer. It's just that simple for me. I don't like playing games but I really feel like this guy is beginning to take me for granted. I feel like he's playing games with me. Portland, I need your advice because I really don't want to play any games.

No Games!

Dear No Games,

I feel your pain but to a small degree there is some game playing that goes with just meeting someone but I would say its more about the overall process of introduction and getting to know him in the first few weeks- not playing cat and mouse.

But with this guy, I think there is a level of him either playing the field vs. playing games mixed with a slight bit of immaturity. What you don't mention and which is kind of important for me to fully answer your question is has he expressed feelings and more importantly asked you to be exclusive? If he has and he is acting in this way, I say cut your losses and stop answering his calls because he is not worth anymore of your time.  If he has not asked you to be his girlfriend and is acting shady then he may be seeing other people and you are not the same priority that you have made him. My recommendation either way is the go out and meet other guys and be open to meeting a guy who will make you a priority. Then if Mr.Games comes back  around...or not... your life is filled with other options either way.

The Game of Love...Love,

Portland 

 

How Do I Make My Perfume Last All Day?

Dear Portland,
I love perfume! I like the expensive ones and some of my favorites are from Walgreens and CVS.  The problem is I can't ever get them to last all day.  Even my more potent fragrances fade by the end of the day.  Do you have any tips to make them last longer?

Fading Fragrance

Dear Fading Fragrance,

I adore perfume. I can't leave the house without it.


My aunt Barbara spurred my love of fragrances (and Clinque Skincare products) at a very early age- so much that my perfume basket is filled pretty much to capacity.  Although I like the pricey stuff, one of my favorites is from good ole' CVS.  At one point, I had a problem with getting both inexpensive or pricey to last.  I then resorted to purchasing the matching body lotion but I really don't like layering that much product.  I do own the body creme to my signature fragrance but not many others..  I own one fragrance that literally last until tomorrow- its a winter favorite called Angel by Thierry Mugler which is worth a try.


I have been gravitating towards independent fragrances that are sold in boutiques like Blue Mercury and Anthropologie- my love potions- as I call them- hail from those retail spots.  Their prices vary but the fragrances seem to have a higher oil content and last longer.


If you'd asked me this question about a year ago, I would have suggested you place petroleum jelly (Vaseline) on your wrists and neck pulse points, then spray the perfume directly on those areas for a more lasting scent. I did that for years.  Now that's changed.  Scientific studies have shown that putting anything unnatural directly on your skin or hair-over time can cause problems. Google parabens.


My advice is to spray perfume on your clothes.  Not too close though...spray into the air then walk into the mist.  Also spray some on your purse.  The on and off your shoulder action releases a nice fragrance into the air.  However, please don't spray perfume on white clothing as it may stain yellow or darken the fabric.


So I hope this helps- cause us girls must always smell good.


Au de Parfum Love,


Portland

How Do I Get Rid of Miss Right Now, So I Can Get With Miss Right?

Dear Portland,

I’m a smart, educated,  relatively attractive man who is currently seeing Miss Right Now.

She’s cute, likes me a lot and the sex is good—but there is no real connection with us. She's a nice girl but she doesn’t seem to have a mind of her own and she’s so agreeable and somewhat immature. She stays at my house often because, I get lonely, and it’s easier for sex. She’s insecure that I will cheat on her. The problem is she wants a commitment and I’m starting to get nervous that she will start trippin’ or worse—get pregnant, although she says she’s on the pill.

To make matters worse, I’ve had a crush on this nice looking, intelligent, single woman at my gym for awhile but have been too nervous to ask her out--because she seems out of my league. But when we talk, I feel like we have so much in common and a connection every time….I really think she could possibly be the one.

I know this is my fault for getting myself in this mess but…how do I Get Rid of Right Now so I can get with Miss Right?

--Mr. Confused

Dear Confused,

You are well on your way to becoming a baby daddy paying child support. In other words a statistic. You haven’t learned from others mistakes? I’d bet my favorite red pumps that you know another man, probably one of your boys, who has become a father before he was ready and with the wrong women just because he got lonely and wanted easy, convenient sex.

You said she was cute, the sex is good but no real connection, right? Where I come from that's called a…bed buddy, booty call or hook-up because that is what she is, no. more. no. less. But you’ve now taken a historically sexual arrangement between a man and a woman and complicated the-hell-out-of an otherwise simple routine visit. Wow! And you’re taking her word for it that she’s on the pill?  That's like players club rule #1 of which I'm sure you are breaking all the valid cardholder rules.

Never, ever,  believe a woman is on the pill, unless you’ve both had a very serious talk and agreed that you don’t want children yet—and you really believe her. Because sorry to say, but some of my female counterparts are quite relentless when it comes to locking down a man and a baby is high on the list of tactics. The loneliness, I understand, as I think we’ve all felt like that at some point or another. But if you’re just sleeping with a woman, yet have no real connection, after awhile, don’t you feel lonely even when she’s around—like there’s something missing…an emptiness?

My advice is to let Right Now down easy and give her her walking papers...yesterday. Then join a basketball league, go hang out with your boys, have a singles party at your house or join a co-ed book club…something.


As for Miss Right...she is NOT out of your league. You’re just feeling insecure which is why you're probably wasting so much time with that other chick. Dating a woman beneath your standards who is probably trying to get pregnant is not smart. 

Are you afraid if you connect with Miss Right, that it might actually work out? Believe it or not I think some men and women are afraid to be happy...but that's another post. That she might be the one or the one before the One. And that you might have to put in some work and maybe, just maybe, show a little vulnerability? Probably. Hopefully, all that doesn’t scare you, making it easier to say “she’s out of my league” or “high maintenance” rather than pursuing her. I hope not either.


I believe that we are all much the same yet from different backgrounds and varied experiences. Experiences that should be embraced and respected are often viewed as negative or a divider. So many men date beneath your core standards to elevate themselves to feel more comfortable. Yet are unhappy then years later have a long list of regrets! 

So when you talk to Miss Right at the gym you feel a connection…what else do you need? You’ve both probably discussed liking some of the same things, places and you obviously have the healthy lifestyle in common or you wouldn’t have met at the gym. She’s totally in your league. Stop playing and ask her out. Because when you see her with the next man—you’re gonna be mad while adding her to your TOTGA List (The One That Got Away) and sending me a new question entitled... How Do I Get Miss Right from Mr. Right Now?

I Hope I’m Right, Love Portland

He Saw Me Out With Another Guy!

Dear Portland,
I've been out with guy 1 about four times and I like him.  He's very sweet a complete gentleman, handsome, great conversation, funny and always takes me to nice places. I met guy 2 right after college who I also go out with often and he took me to a festival in the park this past weekend.  The problem, well not necessarily problem, but challenge, is I saw guy 1 at the festival with all his friends.  
Guy 1 asked me to go to the festival with him after our fourth date last week but guy 2 had already asked me like a month before.  When he asked, I told him I was already going  and I think he assumed it was my girlfriends.  Worse- guy 1 saw me and guy 2 walking down the path to our group...him holding my picnic basket in one hand and holding my hand with the other AND the colors we wore matched, so what looked like planned outfits was actually just a coincidence.  Guy 2 likes to hold hands plus it was a little rocky on the path and he didn't want me to fall- so he asked me to hold his hand-and I did.  I feel pretty bad because the look on guy 1's face was unforgettable- he was totally hurt.  I waved to him and smiled and he kinda did the same- but he was sadly surprised. Thankfully, our group was a pretty good distance from guy 1's group so we never were in eye shot. Today guy 1 texted me and said "hope you had a good time at the festival" and I haven't responded yet. What do I say? I know I'm not wrong- but I feel really bad.

This question would have been a whole lot simplier to answer if Guy 1 was a complete jerk!


First I'm glad that you have met and are dating nice guys. Second, I'm happy that you are taking it slowly and getting to know each of them before jumping into anything serious.  Good for you.  Now, with all that said yes you have the right to feel a little bad because your a good person and good people don't generally want to make other people feel badly. So again yes you have the right to feel bad BUT should you feel bad...no.  Why? Because neither one of these guys is your boyfriend. 
And until and only when one of them, or another man you meet and like, asks you to be his girlfriend then all you have are male-friends. When the girlfriend question is asked and you reply 'yes' -then the two of you have a longer discussion. Then and only then, do you move forward with letting your other male-friends- that you date- know that you now have a boyfriend. He should do the same to the girl-friends in his life also.
Reply back to his text and say you had a great time and you hope he did too. Simple as that. Since you've been on four dates with guy 1, I think it would be a good time for you to initiate an outing with him.  Call him and ask him to dinner or get tickets to a show.  If he says no, or that he's busy that basically means he's upset about the festival. At that point, give him time to work through his feelings then he will contact you. Once the subject comes up during the conversation just casually remind him that you have friends and you are not seeing anyone exclusively and leave it at that. Either he will step up his game and take you off the market or decide to stay in the friend zone.

Guy 1 and 2 Love,

Portland

Non-Initiator

Dear Portland,


My husband always complains that I dont initiate s**. I'm a stay at home mom with two highly energetic small children. I do excersice and pay attention to my grooming and appearance but honestly I never feel like initiating. I used to initiate more before the kids but now I'm tired and I really want my husband to take charge of that area. What should I do?


Not in the mood.


Dear Get in the Mood,


Ok, I'm not a parent but I know if I did have children, I would have a primary and contingency babysitter in my bag of tricks at all times because your my adult life and marriage must live on- despite 2 children. I do understand this could happen to the best of us but at a certain point I think you should understand and try your best to comply with hubby's request. But that said, what you and hubby are experiencing is not the end of the world and can result in just plain fun.


My advice is to have a light-hearted talk with him, and I really mean light-hearted, because this challenge in your marriage has the potential to become the beginning of a real issue.  Suggest taking turns with initiating. Then get creative. The more creative the better- with some agreeable limits of course.  Please don't let me see you both on CNN because you were arrested for lood behavior in a public place- I'm going to turn the channel.  I would feel obligated to post your bail because you took my advice too far and got busted. Yeah, no. (smile)If you are one of those competitive type couples then trying to top each other is going to the last thing I want is a letter reporting back that you are now fighting over who intitated the last time.  Committ to the process.


I asked a friend and the immediate answer I received was "she better before he finds someone else who is in the mood." I somewhat disagree with this statement because I don't think all men are just going to give up on their wife and risk the potential loss of his family- but I do think it's important to listen and compromise in your marriage.


But I do think since your husband has moved from thinking he wants you to intiate to communicating it verbally then it may be time to listen. 

Initiate Love,

Portland 

I Got A Married Women Pregnant! What Should I Do?

Dear Portland,

Roughly three months ago, I became involved with a married woman who works in my building. Things started off innocently enough. I would see her in the hallway or in the cafeteria at lunch, and we'd exchange "hello's" and "hi's". Then, the pleasantries turned into brief flirtations. But that's all they were...flirtations. I knew she was married. I'd often see her husband picking her up or bringing their kids by the office towards the end of the work day. I have to admit, when I'd see the guy, I always thought that she was WAY out of his league.

Anyway, a little over three months ago, I walked into my office to find a note on my computer screen saying I had a great smile. It was signed only with a smiley face of its own. I had no idea who left the note until I ran into the young woman  two days later in the cafeteria. The flirtations instantly turned more intense. Our "hello's" became hugs, and whispers from her, "That's all I get?". I really didn't make too much of it because, like I said, I knew she was married, and she's much younger than me.

Around that same time, I noticed that she was no longer being picked up by her husband, and she was staying later at work. One night, I was working late and got a knock on my office door. When I looked up, it was her. She said she was coming in to say 'goodnight'. I stood up to give her a hug, and the embrace lasted longer than what one would probably consider acceptable. I'm not going to lie...I was really turned on, and I think she noticed because the embrace turned into a kiss. Nothing happened that time. But it did the next evening...yes...at work. 

And this became a reoccurring situation. Always after work...always after everyone else had left for the day.

Yes, we both understood that she was married. But her husband was in the military on a three month deployment and apparently they have one of those "understandings".

We started off being very careful. But that didn't last long, either. We got comfortable and we got sloppy.

I say sloppy because she told me last week that she is pregnant. 

Now, she has three kids and I don't have any. Because of her relationship status, I figured she wanted to get an abortion, which would have been heart breaking to me, anyway.

Instead, she told me she didn't believe in abortion and that she was going to keep the baby, and pass it off to her recently returned husband as his. She said that she didn't want me to have anything to do with the baby.

Portland, I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I don't have any other children and I want to be in my child's life. On the other hand, I don't want to disrupt her life, anymore than I already have, or the life of her children.

Please, help me...

Sincerely,

The Daddy Adulterer 

Dear Potential Daddy Adulterer, 

This situation is a hot mess...with steam coming out of it. Literally!

First and foremost, slow. down. 

In your mad dash to claim an unborn fetus because you're a single man that doesn't have children, I think you need to stop, calm down, collect your thoughts and make sure you are not being played as some potential sperm donor. This whole situation seems terribly fishy to me. I think what you are failing to realize is she was sleeping with her husband all while you were both having escapades on the desk after dark. And more important, if he was just recently deployed then there is a 50/50 chance this is not your child. The world we live in can be pretty twisted and so my radar goes up when you say she and her husband have an understanding? Understanding? Yeah, right! I don't know many men who would give his wife carte blanche to run free while he is deployed- especially not with children in the home.  And worse, she is soo willing/immediately volunteered to keep the baby and pass it off as his- that's especially why I think you may not be the father. 

Have you ever thought that maybe this couple is taking the inexpensive route to having a baby?  Perhaps they are having fertility issues and maybe some other weird marriage related problems- then here comes you walking into her life at the right time.  I'm sure you are attractive, working together made you easily accessible and how fun would it be as a married women to seduce an older single guy at work all while her husband co-signs. Easy solution reached (you)... all without the headache of the process and having to pay the doctor bills associated with fertility and deal with whatever his potential health issues are. Although a bit unconventional and perhaps far-fetched, that's just my theory...or my hot mess hypothesis- as I like to call it.

So let's say none of the above is the case- and the baby actually is yours.  After and only after you have completed a positive results DNA or blood test- then you have every right to be a part of the child's life and provide support. You both will have to work together to make that happen which may include telling her husband.  Remember they did have an agreement.  Not sure of the terms of that agreement but when you dabble in infidelity- the potential for slip-ups are strong.

If its not your baby?  Thank your higher power for sparing you the stress and potential price tag attached to having a child and vow to never sleep with married women again. Besides, who wants to explain to their 16 year old when he or she asks, how you and his/her Mom met?...umm awkward answer is putting it mildly.

Lesson "Hopefully" Learned Love,

Portland

Should A Woman Ask A Man Out?

Dear Portland,

I like this guy who works for another company in my building.  He actually isn’t that cute but looks have never been high on my list of must have’s but he looks pretty good for a man.  He has a nice personality, a good job and a pretty interesting conversation.  He works two floors down so I usually see him in the work cafeteria, the lobby or walking to and from the train.  He always speaks and walks with me if I see him walking to and from work.  How are you doing? How was your weekend?.. is usually just about the gist of our conversation.

I really think I like him and would really like him to ask me out.  My friends are tired of me talking about him and keep telling me to go ahead and make the first move and ask him out.  They say that this is 2015 and women ask men out all the time.  But I’m afraid and think I should wait for him to make the first move- which might be never.  I’m afraid though.  What should I do?

Should I make the first move?

 Dear Should You Make the First Move,

No.

I know there are those women out there who have thrown caution to the wind and have made that move and have been successful. But I know there are many who have regretted it because as time passed the guy either didn’t treat her the way she expected or if they end up dating seriously- in the back of her mind she will always wonder if he would have asked her out on his own.

Now, about those friends of yours and their advice.  I know they are probably good friends and they mean well but more than likely they are kind of tired of you talking about him and have resorted to giving you bad advice. However, please, please do not allow them to gas you up to do something that is both out of your character and your comfort zone.  Maybe your friends are those girls who ask men out- I’ve got a few of them myself- but I’m just not that girl, and it sounds like you’re not her either.

I’ve heard guys say they think it’s cool for a woman to ask them out and they encourage it… yada, yada.  Those guys are not telling the truth.  Sorry darlin’. Men aren’t telling the truth on purpose, they just think it’s a cool idea and guys usually agree with all -cool ideas- especially if it involves a woman and the potential of a physical connection. I poled two males friends at happy hour and one said he would prefer to ask her out because he would feel more in control of the date; and the other thought it would flattering, to be asked out by a woman but then asked the question… “wait, how she look?”- I cracked up laughing!...but his point was well taken.

Sometimes the ‘universe’ has a way of making us aware and even shielding women from certain men who look good on the outside but may not be good for us. Keep that in mind when you are getting antsy about some guy not making the next move…remember all that glitters may not be gold. Then there are those times when he turns out to be a great guy and you are glad he waited to ask you out because you have those pre-first date memories to laugh about in the future.

My advice to you is to stop worrying and continue being your fabulous self. If you see him in the building or outside- then talk to him like normal. Most of all continue to keep your options open. Then when you least expect it, your interest is redirected to some other man that you meet, at the grocery store or at a festival then this one will either ask you out-not sure why that always seems to happen- be placed in the 'guy you know from work' section of your life or he’ll fade-to-black. Whichever way it works out, I guarantee you will be happy with your decision to NOT make the first move.

 Stay In Your Lane Love,

Portland  

My Girlfriend Makes Alot More Money Than Me... Please Help!

Dear Portland,

I've been with my girlfriend for close to a year now, and generally, things are great. I know in my heart that she's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've even been saving a little while I scope out rings. The only problem is that she makes a lot more money than I do...like A LOT!!! It's not part of our everyday conversation. But the issue does show up from time to time, like when she wants to go out to at a really nice restaurant that I can't afford, leaving her to pick up the check or me offering to split it. The most resent problem came up when she was planning her third vacation with her friends since we've been together. She's paying her way and for her younger sister to go on the trip. Other than weekend getaways to visit my parents or her parents, we've never taken a real vacation together...mostly because I can't afford a trip that would meet her high expectations. She unintentionally made me feel really bad about not having the funds to do bigger things together.

Portland, am I dating out of my league? How will I ever keep up with her if my bank account cannot catch up to hers? Please help...

Five Figure Phil

Dear Five Figure Phil,
 

Yes, you may be out of your league but your girlfriend is most certainly…out of her mind!

Phil, I don’t know any women… in contemporary American society, of any race, on any continent or for that much the universe- including undiscovered and unexplored territories on other planets that would go on 3 vacations, during a calendar year...with a bunch of women- especially if she has a man at home.  REALLY?!

I can't seem to figure out, what women sits on the beach in say Europe, better yet, Barbados (I’m going to assume one of those excursions was to the Caribbean) with that amazing sun, white sand beach, salsa music playing in the distant background, the waiter that you’re boyfriend (you're home, mad-never mind) tipped $15 when you arrived to serve and pay special attention to you both so you don’t have to get up except to get in the crystal clear blue water to cool off. It gets better. Then there’s the lady who gives amazing massages on the beach with cooling aloe vera gel, and I can't forget, the unlimited pina coladas for breakfast (Yaas!), lunch and dinner. All while laying next to your boyfriend, potentially your future fiancé' (oh, right, you’re at home) softly snoring, completely vulnerable, under the umbrella because he’s tired from the countless times in the room…well you get the point. Opps, no you don’t, because you're where? Home!

Who would trade that small slice of heaven to vacay with a bunch of chicks and her little sister?! I’m sorry, were there 3 destination bachelorette parties you forgot to mention? 

Just so we're clear- the occasional girls trip is a must -every few years or so. We ladies need a chance to reconnect and talk about all our girl stuff.  While back at home, our men play airport shuttle; chauffeuring us to the departure gate at BWI and retrieving us from the United baggage claim upon our return.  Yes, we females bond and all that jazz but…it's apples and oranges and definitely should be the second choice compared to a vacation with you.  Being a vacay companion is part of your job description as a boyfriend or girlfriend.  It. just. is.

Is she out of your league?

I really don't know. You said she brought her sister on the trip.  With that statement, I don’t know if you’re implying that you wanted her to pay for you because of your finances (I hope you didn’t mean that) vs. paying for her sister- it’s unclear.  I'd have to know more about you and her to make a better determination. But I can tell you, although money wouldn't be a deciding factor it would play a role. I would base my opinion on your education, background, drive which would all likely provide a good prospectus of your earning potential.

What I do know is- if you really like her- I think you should slow down on the ring hunt and use that money to go on a trip.  If you can’t take a vacay together what makes you think you can spend the rest of your life with her?  Go on at least one trip with her this year- excluding parental visits. No excuses, as there are too many discount internet travel sites and crazy inexpensive cruises available for you to be home while she explores the world.   

Although this relationship seems imbalanced, I really don’t know how long you can both keep ignoring the “elephant in the room” of the significant difference in finances without having a serious talk. Especially since you seem so concerned about it and you’ve been together for less than a year. You don’t say whether you are unemployed or in a low paying job.  If either is your current job status then I’m sure time and diligence will provide you with either a job, or a better one.

But just so you know, there’s always going to be someone in the relationship who earns more money and the man is usually much happier if it’s him. But since it’s currently not you, what’s not cool is you crying broke and she tossing money around like it grows on trees. Saving is important but so isn't spending quality time together and that usually costs money.  So the subject of saving and spending for entertainment etc. should be a part of the "elephant” conversation along with some of your other concerns- and hers too. 

Now, I Need A Vacation Love,

Portland

I Miss Being Strong!

Dear Portland,
I miss being strong! When I was younger, I used to have unshakeable faith in myself. No matter how hard things got, or whatever befell me, I always kept trying. I'm still trying, but I lost so much faith my ability to succeed. And I'm worried I'm becoming a jaded cynic. How, besides actually really succeeding at something, can I regain my confidence and faith in myself?

My strong is gone


Dear My Strong Is Gone,
Wow what an honest question!
I applaud you for seeing and admitting that things have changed in your life from positive to somewhat cynical--and you want your old self back. It seems to me that something has shaken your once high self esteem.  You don't mention what that specific thing was or whether it was a series of things in your question but that is what I must assume.  Age, rejection both personal and professional can play a role in moving from a place of yes to uncertainty.  But rest assure you are not the only one.  Many people suffer from this- its called growing up. And yes, sometime it can suck but keeping a positive attitude and not taking life too seriously is something you can consider working on. The fact that you are self-aware puts you heads and tails above the rest. Many people cannot understand their own feelings much less articulate them the way you did. I applaud you for that!
Although you're older now and likely have more responsibilities, try to remember where you were and what you were doing when you had this unshakeable faith in yourself- and try to somewhat mimic that time. For example, in college, maybe you ran track or played on the tennis team and now you've stopped participating in those activities you enjoyed because family and work responsibilities have taken up more of your time?  Or maybe you've abandoned your passion... for singing or dancing? Perhaps take a class at your local community college or volunteer-all communities seem to be in need of people who are willing to donate their time. Choose wisely then start slowly by picking at least one thing that you enjoy and I'm confident that you'll soon be looking at the old new and improved you in no time.

Unshakably Strong Love,
Portland

Should I Tell My Friend He's Gay?!

Dear Portland,

I have a male friend that I love to death. He is cool, sweet, attentive and gives me advice about guys and all kinds of stuff. The problem is he hardly ever talks about women, doesn't date often and he has some feminine ways about him...small ones that is. He's a nice looking guy too, definitely a man women would be checking for. He loves to hang out with me and my girlfriends and has a few guy friends that he hangs out with but they are pretty regular. I want to say something but I fear it would effect our friendship. Should I tell him or wait for him to come out to me?

Concerned

Dear Concerned,

If you really consider him a good friend, under NO circumstances should you TELL HIM that he's gay!

Ok, yes, he's a little feminine and he hardly ever talks about other women-- but that doesn't mean he's gay. Did you ever consider that he might like you? He's not going to approach other women around you if he's interested in you.. And just because he likes hanging out with you and your girlfriends shouldn't make him "suspect." Maybe he'll do anything to see and spend time with you--even if that means hanging out with you and your all-girl-band. Just a thought. And believe me, if his friends are regular guys-it's rare that regular guys will hang out with a man who's gay. That would be strange.

If he tells you he wants to be a hairdresser, becomes your personal stylist or asks to borrow a skirt...then there might be reason for concern. But until one of those situations arises or something similar-- relax.

Although most of us women don't like it, some men have slight feminine ways. You've probably heard the term metrosexual, a guy who is more into his appearance etc. than traditional men but is not considered gay. There are alot of metro-sexuals at the club, lounges, grocery store-everywhere. Look around you'll see. Also, every man isn't trying to connect with every woman he sees. Some men are very targeted and particular about the women they approach especially when he's at the point in life where he's ready to settle down.

If you are concerned about him and his sexuality, then the best thing that you can do for your friend-is to be a friend. A friend who isn't judgemental, a confidant that he can talk to about almost anything. If it turns out that he is gay I can almost guarantee he will tell you when he is ready. Until then, zip those lips because good friends- straight or gay- are hard to find- and if you're wrong, it could damage your friendship.

Metro Love, Portland

The Drunk Calls...

Dear Portland,

My ex keeps drunk calling me. He tells me in his drunken stupor how much he loves me and wants me back. The problem is when we actually talk when he's sober he can't say any of the things he says during the sloppy voicemails. I really would like to get back together with him but I don't know where his feelings are...and for that much mine?

Not Drunk but Confused,

Dear Not Drunk but Confused,

Aww... the drunk call. I've gotten a few of those and call me silly but they're kinda nice! You either get them from a guy that is crushing on you- who is afraid of rejection, a current boyfriend you're having problems with or an ex who's trying to work through some feelings.

The drunk call is actually quite sweet in a dysfunctional sort of way. He probably loves you and most certainly doesn't know how to or is afraid to share his feelings...sober. So when he has had one too many, the thought of you consumes his brain, he dials your number and the rest just... blame it on the liquor.

If this was a guy who just had a crush on you, I'd say to casually approach him and tell him you might be intersted too. But since this is an ex that you want back then you probably should take the high road. Ask him to meet you in the park or a nice, quiet, somewhat romantic place to talk. In a playful, slightly serious, "I thought that was really sweet" way, tell him you've gotten his messages and would like to talk with the hopes of working things out. That way when he meets you he'll know that the goal is to get back together making it easier for him to share his true feelings- without the help of a drink. Good luck!

Sweet Walter Red(my favorite wine) Love, Portland

What's the Point of Playing Hard To Get?!

Dear Portland,

If you are feeling a dude that respectfully approaches you, what is the point of “playing hard to get?”

Respectful Guy

Dear Respectful,

Classic…

For most women it’s pretty simple. If he’s interested he’ll show you and more than once if necessary. Why do we do this? Because we are not sure of your REAL intentions and we aren’t really sure if we like you yet. Yes, you may express your most heart felt feelings, which we like, but your actions speak louder than the words.

A man will see a woman of interest and approach her as soon as the coast is clear. Because men tend to take a woman for her word and almost immediately is ready to move forward. Not always a good thing but that’s a whole new question to answer. Women are a bit more cautious when approached by a man. Although the exterior package may look correct—getting to know you is usually what we’re doing. Are you really as good of a man as you say you are? Baggage, etc…

So, I apologize for all the women in your life that have or are playing hard to get but hopefully one of them is worth the effort.


"Hard To Get" Love, Portland

My Boyfriend Got Another Women Pregnant...

Dear Portland,

I have recently found out my boyfriend of 6 yrs. got another women pregnant after a 2 week split we had. What do I do?? I love him so much.
What should I do? What’s the right answer?

Dear Right Answer,

Ouch!

There are only two things you can do. ..break-up with him for good or accept the child as part of your relationship. Six years is a long time and if you both can acknowledge that you were officially broken-up during that time then you both were free to see other people, which, sorry to say, includes having sex. Stuff happens-we all make mistakes. If this was some random chick then boyfriend was dumb for not wearing a condom. But if he liked the girl but couldn’t move forward because of feelings for you then this one should be chaulked up to he got caught-up in the situation. Either way it’s a tough decision.

The question to ask yourself is—aside from loving him— are you willing to be in a relationship with a man who has a child and a baby’s mother? If the answer is no, then you know what to do but if you stay with this guy a lot of trust and maturity are going to be key. Trust that there is nothing still going on with he and this girl because he will have to see and communicate with her to share time with the baby; and mature enough to balance his daddy role with your relationship.

I posed your question to two of my girl and one male friend with the assumption that all is well (e.g a good guy who is trustworthy and wants to own up to his responsibility) all said yes, they would continue in the relationship and I agree, but you should feel completely comfortable that you have a future with this guy.
The right answer is the one you choose. Good Luck and I think it will work out just fine.

“If loving you is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right,” Love Portland

My Boyfriend Hasn't Called Me in Six Days...

Dear Portland,

My boyfriend of a year hasn't called in six days and I have no idea why. Usually it has something to do with him being mad at me or something along those lines, other times its just him being busy, but even then he'll call after just a couple of days. The last time we talked was when he told me that we couldn't get together on New Years Eve, and I was pretty upset about it for a while but got over it quickly.

Like I said, usually if he's acting like this, I know the reason or have a pretty good idea but as of right now, I ‘m COMPLETELY in the dark and totally confused. Should I wait for him to call me, which might be never, depending on why he’s mad (if he's mad), or should I wait for a certain length of time and call him?

In The Dark

Dear In The Dark,

Let me open the curtains for you!

This guy is much to "suspect" to have the title of “boyfriend” in your life. It seems very possible that he picks fights with you to make it easier for him to go missing in action (e.g.. New Year’s Eve), then come around when he wants or has time.

This guy is showing all the signs that he’s either crazy, dating someone else, married or more recently…dead!

I suggest one of the following:

If he’s alive, when he does call, ask him to never call you again— then get a real boyfriend who appreciates you.

If he is dead—you should probably go to the funeral.

"100 Watt" Love, Portland

He Keeps Buying Me Lingerie...

Dear Portland,

My husband keeps buying me lingerie for my birthday. I know I should be appreciative, and I am, to some degree, but every year it doesn’t fit. I’m a plus-size woman and it’s usually hideous, but most of all it isn’t for me. Lingerie is really for him to enjoy that night. I want a gift for me, like jewelry, not something I’m going to wear for 2 minutes, wash the next day and toss in the drawer.

Upset

Dear Upset,

I get it. You want your husband to buy a more personal gift for your birthday that only you can enjoy, like a piece of jewelry, AND something sexy, that's pretty and fits.

Although ugly and ill fitting—I do like that he’s taking the time to shop for you, so let’s not spoil his fun. He probably enjoys the whole shopping adventure, unlike most men who would be a nervous-wreck in the lingerie section of Macy’s or Victoria’s Secret.

The size part—I do understand as no one feels sexy in something that doesn’t fit. Simply ask him to get you the next size. Fredericks of Hollywood, www.fredericks.com offers various sizes, props and accessories too.

Please overlook his poor taste, as he obviously is pleased with his purchase and you did say it will only be on for a few minutes—so just smile and say thank you.

As for the jewelry…I consulted two of my married girlfriends on this one. To ensure that you get, let’s say, that bracelet you want, tell him, in a nice way, what and where to purchase if you don’t trust his taste here. Better yet, put it on hold and tell the salesperson your husband is coming in to buy “this”- then send hubby off to the mall. When he gets home you can slip into your new outfit—that fits—and “officially” thank him for your birthday gifts.

“Birthday Suit,” Love, Portland

I Want To Sleep With My Sister's Boyfriend...Am I Crazy?

Dear Portland,

My sister’s boyfriend is always hitting on me (eye contact, etc.) when she’s not around. I know he wants to sleep with me and I’m so attracted to him physically that I really want too. I know I’m crazy, what should I do?

Crazy!

Dear Crazy,

This is the question you should've asked me…

Dear Portland,

What is the absolute, without-a-doubt way for me to "catch a beat-down?"

my reply…

Dear Crazy,

Let your sister find out you slept with her man!

“Catfight” Love, Portland

Is A "Mutual" Breakup Ever Really Mutual?

Dear Portland,

Is a “Mutual” Breakup Ever Really Mutual?

Dear Ever Really Mutual,

I had this conversation back in 2008 with some friends at Chi Cha Lounge in DC. I forget how the subject came up but the conversation went on for hours. After many drinks and what started as a civilized exchange turned into a loud, hilarious debate that ended with the answer (shouted by one of the guys)… Hell No!

I must agree with my crazy friends, breakups are hardly ever mutual. It cracks me up when people say “yes, we broke up, but it’s cool, because it was mutual.” My reply, yeah, right!

Yes, there’s trouble in paradise and yes, some things could change in the partnership or the relationship could’ve been a hot mess from the start but there’s always one person who wants to hang on more than the other. He/she may front and play the strong role, but in the end one of them wishes or hopes the relationship can or could have been worked out but is too chicken to say it.

It’s funny too, because if you’re not close to the couple, or should I say—all in their business— you’ll never really know how it happened. Right?!

Let’s say he broke it off with her. She tells her people that it was “mutual” because she doesn’t want to admit that she got dumped, and he tells his friends it was mutual because he doesn’t want to seem like the bad guy.

My theory—the one who talks about the other the most, remembering the good times and “conveniently” bringing his or her name up with friends and family is usually the one who didn’t want the relationship to end. This is also the one who’s heart stops every time the phone rings, secretly hoping he/she has come to his/her senses and wants to get back together. The other person is hurt and a little sad about the outcome but knows it was for the best. He/she has moved on with life- as well as to be expected -and may see places and things that they shared as a couple, but knows it will be no more…

“Not So Mutual,” Love, Portland

Should I Break Up With Him?

Dear Portland,

I have a boyfriend and we’ve been dating for a year and 3 months and I love him. The problem is I’m falling in love with someone else, it’s confusing to say the least, but he really treats me better. I want to break up with my boyfriend...but I don’t know if I should and how to go about it. Please help!

Possible Break-Up


Dear Possible Break-Up,

Love can hurt.

You met your boyfriend a little more than a year ago and things are just ok, but you met another guy, probably by accident, and he treats you better. For fear of sounding harsh, it happens! You are not married to your boyfriend so it may be time to move on. The problem is— it breaks your heart, that you are about to break his.

Once you’ve made the decision to move forward—how you go about it is key. First, make sure you really want to end it with your boyfriend. You say this new guy treats you better but, you have time and feelings invested with your boyfriend and once you start down the breakup road, changing your mind will make it really tough to turn back. Make sure this new guy is ready to make a commitment to you and the relationship. I’d hate for you to leave a good man for another who isn’t ready to commit. I can’t stress that enough. Then, make a list of your boyfriend and the new guy’s positives and negative traits and see which one is the longest. Then list the sweet gestures, how safe you feel when you’re with each of them (this one is important), conversations, intimacy, etc. and since it’s been a year and you’ve probably met each others families- how he relates to your family and you to his—all the intangible stuff that happens in a relationship that helps it grow. Corny? Possibly, but let’s call it “breakup due diligence.”

Then set a relaxing yet non-sexual mood at your house, and invite your boyfriend over to talk. Some people say that a public place is best but he may get angry and cause a scene—just keep it private. During the conversation highlight his positive points and all the things that attracted you to him all while expressing that your feelings have changed—yet spare his feelings that you’re interested in someone else. Downplay any negative traits, hope he understands and offer to be friends.

However, I have to warn you that most men don’t take break-ups lightly, and he will probably try his best to win you back, especially if you caught him off guard and this isn’t a mutual thing. Be ready for that, and don’t play games.

And if you are really over this guy and ready to break up and commit to another then try to stay firm in your decision and move on.

Please keep me posted on this one.

“Heart-broken,” Love, Portland

Bikini Wax--What Can I Expect?

Dear Portland,

Have you had experiences with getting a bikini wax? If so, how bad does it hurt? How often do you have to get them done? What will my boyfriend think? Does it have any effect on sex? Will I feel like a porn star?

Signed,

A little scared, but a lot anxious!

Dear Scared and Anxious:

My best friend turned me on to the bikini wax and I must say…I LOVE the results, but HATE the process! It hurts especially your first few times but it gets easier to bare as time goes on. The good news is the hair grows back a lot finer and slower (usually 6-8 weeks) with consistent visits.

There are two types of bikini waxes:

Bikini wax (regular)
Brazilian

A regular bikini wax is somewhat painless. That’s when hair is removed that grows outside your panty line with a warm liquid wax or by a process called sugaring (my personal favorite). The wax is applied in the direction that the hair grows with an applicator then quickly removed.

The brazilian, which is what I get using the sugaring process, is much more intense but delivers the very best results. This is where they remove ALL the hair from down-there. You may have heard of a “Telly Savalis?”…well that’s a nick name for the brazilian.
It hurts for an instant but once the hair is removed the pain quickly goes away and you’re left with a very smooth cho-cha!

What will your boyfriend think? He will probably very much like the noticeable change. Actually, studies show that men don’t really care whether women have hair or not in that area so either he’ll love it or leave it. It makes you feel kind of sexy after you get it…can’t really explain it but it does. Will it affect sex? Absolutely, because you’ll feel way more sexy, uninhibited, and like a porn star... as most of them get the brazilian.

To find a qualified waxer, ask around for recommendations. Other women are commonly very generous with that information and will travel to get this service. I'm slightly ashamed to say that I cross a state line to get mine...my girl, Sue, rocks! I digress, sorry,...then make an appointment and have he/she explain the process, then if you're comfortable-- go for it. It should range at the $50-80 price depending on your demographic area.

“Porn Star,” Love, Portland

I Think I'm Falling In Love

Dear Portland,

I think I'm falling in love. I'm 28 years old and I've been dating this guy for 8 months now and he's funny, intelligent, outgoing and we have many of the same future goals. When I'm with him time flies and when we're apart I look forward to seeing him. We have become an important part of each others lives. The only problem is we have not spent an extended period of time together. We have not taken any long trips, or really have had any crisis' to weather so it makes me a little scared. I really want to know him as the complete man; not just the one who is great when everything is going right.

Falling In Love,

Dear Falling In Love,

I'd hoped for a question like this, because it's a bit of a challenge for me as I’ve had friends as well as myself in similar relationships. In a few cases the guy turned out to be a NO!

So, congratulations on meeting a nice guy. I applaud you for what seems like a pretty grounded approach to this relationship. Many times women meet a man, and he has all the above qualities. Then we rush into the relationship too quickly and the "real" person comes out that we don't like so much. I think 6-8 months is about the time you’ll start to see unpleasant personality traits in someone— you know when, as my friend Kym has said “the imposter leaves and the real person steps out.”

I suggest that you ask his advice about something in your life e.g work, school etc. where you might have some challenges. Or if you have car trouble or a car question, call him and ask his opinion or call him before AAA just to see how he handles it. Whether he comes to your rescue, calls a friend who is close by to help...whatever, it will give you better insight on how he may act in a crisis when you are in need. However, I’d stay away from money and family issues because those can be hard to navigate and subjective. If all goes well, then discuss a weekend trip and have fun but don’t look for anything negative to occur- just listen to your heart and especially your woman’s intuition (your gut).

“Have Fun Falling In Love” Love, Portland

Why Do All Women Say They Like A Big Penis?

Dear Portland,

Why do all women say they like a big penis?

--Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

I don't think I ever heard a man say he doesn't like breasts?! Sorry, but its the world we live in...or better yet, the bed we have sex in!

Actually, most women will tell you that width and thickness is what is most desired. Most women simply cannot feel a small penis once inserted. Once all the juices are flowing and the inside of the vagina is ready to be penetrated...a small penis will just get lost in the sauce.

You didn't mention whether you were "annoyed" because you've just heard women say the aforementioned or if you are having issues in the "size" department. If you are having a problem with size, I suggest you become the expert at some other sexual act...perhaps oral. Or see your doctor to discuss enlargement. There are all kinds of products, both prescription and homeopathic, on the market that can help enlarge your appendage. There seems to be a support group for everything now-- maybe one exists, where there are women who are attracted to or need men with varied size penis'.

In any event, sex is very important in a relationship and size does matter...but it's not the only thing that matters. Remember..."It's not the size of the wand, it's the magic in it!"

"Penis" Love, Portland

What's Going On Between Me and This Guy?

Dear Portland,


I don't like him like that, but I do enjoy having him in my life. We talked for 3 weeks, then he fell asleep at my house woke up and he was acting all strange.. so I told him we should just be friends. Then he called me last night and it's like one second he wants a relationship and the next he doesn't... we both decided to be friends, and it sucks thinking about it. Why are men so darn complicated?

What's Going On?


Dear What's Going On...?,


That is the million dollar question! No really, you shouldn't be with a guy who is not "sure" if he wants a relationship with you. We women need to be more cut and dry. Men are actually pretty uncomplicated it's just us women who don't want to get over it and move on. He's just holding on to you until he finds someone better. He's just keeping his options open. The reason I can say this is because I've done it to guys I'm not "sure" about. I'll know that he's nice and even good looking but there is something "missing" but I'll say to myself "why not keep him around until I find someone else?" Totally unfair and selfish so I stopped doing it. He likes you-- but just enough. I've learned that accepting this type of guy in your life will start to chisel away at your self esteem and you don't need that. Keep it moving-- and find a guy who you have to work with to keep the relationship exciting rather than work at getting a relationship started.

"Sure" Love, Portland

He Chose Football Over Me!

Dear Portland,

My boyfriend of 5 months chooses football over me. I wanted him to meet my family, so when they came to town for New Years, he came over and met them. During his visit, my sister invited him to come to a family dinner on the day they were to leave town. He made the comment then that football would be on, but I thought he was joking. On the day of the dinner, he tells me he is not coming and is going to watch football. I was embarassed as I couldn't believe he chose football over me and my family. I think I should just give him space. I am not one to crowd another, but it is bothering me that football was more important than my family dinner. Should I be upset over his decision or just let it go?

Mad As Hell


Dear Mad As Hell,

Let it go.

Some guys love football, and we women need to stop with the whole "you love football more than me" stuff. Some men are just passionate about the game. It's a crazy reality. Please don't try to compete, just respect that he likes the game... then go do something else. Use it as your quiet time, go shopping or have lunch with some friends. It will probably make your life alot easier if you adapt this way of thinking.

In his defense, he did say the game would be on, but you thought he was joking...and he wasn't. So we really can't fault him at all because he was honest. It seems as if you misinterpreted his response. Should he have disregared your family so quickly? The answer is no, and a talk with him about that should really happen at some point; not about his relationship with football, but his being more tactful when he relates to football and scheduling plans with the rest of the world.

Then, give him some space, especially while the game is on- and when it's over, I think, he'll really appreciate you even more....especially if his team wins.

"Mad" Love, Portland

Confused Brotha...

Dear Portland,

Maybe you can you help me understand something. I have dated several types of women from various ethnic groups and have noticed a consistent trend among my African-american sisters. When it comes to oral sex my sisters have no problem and in most cases insist on receiving oral sex from their male counter part. The problem for the brothers arises when it is time to reciprocate the enthusiasm is not there and mostly there is not a reciprocal relationship in this department. I started by sharing my past dating experience and have not found this same aversion and disdain for oral sex (to this level) in other ethnic groups. I have some ideas and have heard the sisters arguments for not participating, and they just do not hold water. Please shed some light on this, thank you.

Confused Brotha

Dear Confused,

Thank you for your question...but you know dayumm well sista's don't get down like that! Especially, if we are not in a "serious" relationship with you. Please understand that for many black women, oral sex goes beyond traditional sex...way beyond. We must have established a code of trust with our partner. Simply dating is not enough! Dinner, movie, then a blowjob?...probably not...as a matter of fact--hell no! Call me a prude if you'd like but, maybe, just maybe, some dinner(s), a few movie(s), plenty of time together and all the other dating and getting to know you "stuff" that couples do; then, maybe, possibly, intercourse... then, maybe, oral depending on the girl. And you being the first to take the plung doesn't sweeten the deal honey...men have historically given oral sex quicker than us women. I've thought for a long time that guys are hardwired for this occupation because you just do it. Yes, we love it, but, no, reciprocation is not automatic nor should it be expected. Do you see where I'm going with this? (smile)

Your not the first guy to say that other ethnicities are much more inclined to perform. My answer is... it may be their cultural nature. For example, in many cultures the woman is thought of as a second class citizen, so I can imagine that oral performance is just that...performance.

Now I'm feel safe saying that there is some sista out there willing to grant your wish, lickity split...you've just got to find her. But, if you're serious about this and any woman, give her time. And look at as a positive...if she isn't willing to "go down" on you so quickly, I doubt she's been down on many other guys either. ...And when she does...write me, I'd love to answer a "follow-up" question!

With "Un-Confused" Love, Portland

Red Wine...

Dear Portland,



I have a half a bottle of red wine that has been sitting on my counter for a little over a week...is it ok to drink?

Yes or No

Dear Yes or No,

Yup. And if you don't drink it, I will.

"Drunk" Love, Portland

Cleansing Sensitive Areas?

Dear Portland,

I shouldn't use soap on the inside of my vagina when I clean it. It is kind of an allergy maybe. My doctor told me this when I was very young. It just makes me a little itchy. I stopped using it and I am fine, but here is the deal...It doesn't get as sweet smelling as I would like it to. You know like if you wash your under arm with just water, it will smell natural, but not as fresh and sweet as if you were to use soap, and of course all the more sweet if you were to add deodorant.

So what I would like to know is what should I clean with, besides water and vinegar (cause I know about that one) that will make it smell sweet. Or perhaps, there is an oil I can use after I clean it with water? I used Summer's Eve but I am a little sensitive to that too. Thank you.

Sensitive

Dear Sensitive,

And I thought I was obsessed with being clean!

I've heard Summer's Eve is one of the worst things you can use in that area. Vinegar and water (douche) not only removes the harmful bacteria but the good bacteria as well. Removing the good bacteria can cause all kinds of problems- of the itchy kind. As for the oil--I wouldn't even go there.

The vagina is supposed to have a certain smell but not a strong odor. There's an acidic level "down there" that should not be messed with. Most gynecologist say soap in that area a "no-no" and women should clean the outside of the vaginal area with a hypo-allergenic soap (Dove Sensitive Skin is great). Most suggest replacing your current shower head with a hand-held model, do not use a washcloth as that can cause irritation too; instead, put some soap on your hand to wash the area and use the hand-held shower head to rinse.

If you continue to have persistent problems--see a doctor.

"Poo-poo" Love, Portland

Can't Get Over An Ex!

Dear Portland,

My ex and I broke up a few months ago. It was a horrible, messy breakup and we aren't speaking. I think he's over it, but I'm still extremely hurt and depressed. My friends & family are tired of hearing me talk about him, and I'm tired of thinking about him. We had a serious relationship for 2 years, and it's killing me it didn't work out. How do I get over this already? It's ruined friendships and has affected my school work.

--An Ex-Mess

Dear Ex-Mess,

Sorry to hear about your breakup...to put it frankly--breaking up is the worst and most of us have been there.

I'll assume since you said "it looks like he's moved on"--he broke up with you. My advice is to give yourself time to grieve -one month max. Most would say to just "get out there to take your mind off of things" and/or "the best way to get over someone--is with someone else." All true, but many people, run out prematurely. Don't be ashamed to take time to heal your heart. Too many women--and men too-- don't take the time to heal and keep repeating the vicious cycle.

When the month is up, or before if you think your strong enough--I need you to get up and moving! Connect with friends and old boyfriends (the one's that are real friends) that you may have lost touch with and like Beyonce's song "Put Your Freakum' Dress On"...and go out and have fun.

From your question, I'm not sure if you want him back or not. Either way re-focus on your school work. If you want your ex back then go to places he frequents, look hot and he'll notice. But remember although tough, you broke up for a reason and there is no sense in going back to the same problems-so talk alot and give the process some time. If you don't want him back, don't go to his familiar spots and just have fun--all while looking your most fabulous-- until you meet your new prince. Closed doors can open up new windows.

"Freakum Dress" Love, Portland

Turning 30 in NYC...

Dear Portland,



I'm a female and my 30th birthday is approaching and I wanted to do something different in New York City with my boyfriend and friends. Any ideas??

Turning 30 in NYC...


Dear Almost 30,

Wow, congratulations on turning 30!

I suggest you do something that I call the..."Around Manhattan." Which means, you and your guests go to a different place for everything, including drinks. If your friends live in NY they'll be pleasantly surprised-- and if you have out-of-town guests...they'll be talking about the evening for years to come.

What you'll need:

1. Dress- Comfortable but fashionable....my experience is, you get treated better in the city if you look good. No sequins...just chic and classy.

2. At least $125.00-$150.00 each--I didn't say it would be cheap.

3. A need to have a good time and see the city.

4. Take a cab everywhere as most places are not within walking distance.


Stop 1-Drinks.
Try a new "in" restaurant for drinks. Pick a place that is either impossible to get a reservation or out of budget-- but fabulous. I suggest--"Nobu" downtown or "The Four Seasons" on 57th...and I really liked the cocktails and atmosphere at the "Blue Room" in the "W Hotel" in Times Square.

Stop 2-Dinner.
Choose a New York classic or something famous that has been featured in a movie. A place your guests can relate too--and have bragging rights to later. My suggestion--"One If By Land, Two If By Sea, in Midtown or " Peter Lugers" in Brooklyn or you can go somewhere more inexpensive but still good eats like "Mangia Bevi" on 9th or "Carmines" a popular theater restaurant in Time Square.

Stop 3-Dessert.
You really want to make it a famous spot...after all, it is DESSERT! Try Serendipity, famous for their "frozen hot chocolate" 60 different chocolates...frankly, it's liquid sex. You can't drink one alone, sharing's good here. Located on the upper east side. And one of my all time NYC favorites in Washington Square is "The Coffee Shop." I know, dry name and so is the outside moniker, but they are big on desserts. Plus don't be surprised if your sitting next to a famous actor or singer. There's usually at least two posting at the bar or in a booth on any given night.

Stop 4- Nightclub.
We had a great time at the "Apt" (Apartment) in the Meat Packing District. Great music and the place is set up like some one's apartment with a full bar and music.

Stop 5- Breakfast/Brunch. (After the club or the next day)
I highly suggest "Balthazar" on Spring St. Fabulous food and wine and a "must dine" for anyone living or visiting the city. This can get crowded--so call in advance.

I hope these suggestions help make the "Big 3-0" very memorable. Have a great birthday, be safe and send me a note of how the night turns out.

Mr. Single in Baltimore

Dear Portland,

Why do women have more expectations in their mate than they do in themselves? (e.g., good job/job security, decent living conditions, nice ride and education.)
--Mr. Single in Baltimore

Dear Mr. Single in Baltimore,

Please stop going to wherever you are meeting these women!

Seriously--Women want a man they can respect. Some women, myself included, are attracted to a man who has accomplished things, in life, both large and small. And despite her “check marks” and/or lack thereof, she wants to be proud of him and have bragging rights to his accomplishments. Also, some women may think a man who has not reached a certain level by a certain age isn’t setting a good example of a good future husband, father and provider. I didn’t say it was fair, but it is the reality for some.

You might ask, “why can’t those accomplishments be reached together?” The answer is…they can, but some men and women while waiting for “the one” are earning degree(s) with large salaries and accumulating many of the material things commonly attached to those earnings (education, home, luxury car, vacations, etc.) and some are not. Then there are those who are just waiting for “you” to come along with all your “bag of accomplishments” and material items to make life better for them. It really just depends on the woman or man.

Maybe you have one of those “rare” women who believes “men hunt and women nest.” That is, a woman who may have grown up in a two parent family where the father was the bread winner and the mother stayed at home—may be conditioned to think this way--which is part of her foundation. There are even some women who have concluded that relationships like their parents and grandparents "worked" when the women stayed at home, took care of the house and children and was more submissive—including sexually.

My best friend is a good example. Like her father, her husband is an entrepreneur and she’s helping him with all the grueling legwork to open another store location; just like her mother helped her father do at some point during their marriage. My friend is college-educated with good organizational and communication skills but she neither works nor wants an outside job. Is she working to her potential? Most would probably say “no.” However, she is invaluable to her husband, his business, their life and especially to what they are attempting to accomplish together—and they like it that way. Not only does she take care of all the day to day house and life minutia including cooking and cleaning; she plans their vacations, takes care of anything else that pops up (and you know stuff pops up-a leaky roof last week) and represents her husband at important business meetings he can’t attend because he’s running the first store.

Some men might say “she doesn’t have a real job and none of what she’s doing is bringing in any additional income.” True, but it works for them which is why you should use your situation as its own benchmark and ignore society and certainly what your friends may be whispering in your ear.

My advice, talk to her, as you may not know her whole story or fully understand her foundation. Her conversation could amaze you or disappoint. In the end, all the expectations that you say she expects, should be expectations that you have for yourself and more (minus the nice ride--not a deal breaker, that’s just immature.) But, if you are looking for a woman to compete with you?—then maybe you should rethink your motives and what you really want in a relationship. Because a relationship/love is not about being equal in accomplishments, career or money it’s about being equally yoked.

On the other hand, is it possible that you’re dating a gold-digger who is just lazy and wants to take more that she gives to the relationship? or is just plain immature? In either case, I suggest… you drop her like a bad habit.

"Baltimore" Love, Portland