How Do I Ask Him For More of a Commitment?

Dear Portland,

I have been seeing Sean on and off for a few months. When we are together we have a great time. We laugh, I can really talk to him and we have a fabulous sexual chemistry. Yet, between dates he drops off the radar. We are both pretty busy , but when I call him, he usually doesn't get back to me for days or weeks then calls and suggests meeting. I want things to be more serious and can't wait forever. What should I do because I  want more of a committment.

Dear More Committment Wanted,

Sorry but this is a perfect example of a woman not managing her expectations. Although Sean is fun and you have chemistry, he has not said he cares for you and would like to be more than friends or asked you to be his girlfriend. Until he says any of those things he is a really cool friend that you have fun with but you should continue to see other men. Because he is most likely seeing other women. 

 

Stop calling him too. If I knew someone wasn't going to answer when I call or was going to get back to me weeks later and act like nothing happened--yeah stop calling. You said that you have fabulous sexual chemistry, right? I'm not sure if that means you have had sex with him or really want too... but please dont if you haven't. Not every guy is meant for you no matter how great he seems. And Sean's actions are saying he isnt ready for anything serious with you.

Look at it this way...you just met one of many nice guys out there ...and the next one you meet will be yours.

Keep Dating Love,

Portland

How Do I Get Rid of Miss Right Now, So I Can Get With Miss Right?

Dear Portland,

I’m a smart, educated,  relatively attractive man who is currently seeing Miss Right Now.

She’s cute, likes me a lot and the sex is good—but there is no real connection with us. She's a nice girl but she doesn’t seem to have a mind of her own and she’s so agreeable and somewhat immature. She stays at my house often because, I get lonely, and it’s easier for sex. She’s insecure that I will cheat on her. The problem is she wants a commitment and I’m starting to get nervous that she will start trippin’ or worse—get pregnant, although she says she’s on the pill.

To make matters worse, I’ve had a crush on this nice looking, intelligent, single woman at my gym for awhile but have been too nervous to ask her out--because she seems out of my league. But when we talk, I feel like we have so much in common and a connection every time….I really think she could possibly be the one.

I know this is my fault for getting myself in this mess but…how do I Get Rid of Right Now so I can get with Miss Right?

--Mr. Confused

Dear Confused,

You are well on your way to becoming a baby daddy paying child support. In other words a statistic. You haven’t learned from others mistakes? I’d bet my favorite red pumps that you know another man, probably one of your boys, who has become a father before he was ready and with the wrong women just because he got lonely and wanted easy, convenient sex.

You said she was cute, the sex is good but no real connection, right? Where I come from that's called a…bed buddy, booty call or hook-up because that is what she is, no. more. no. less. But you’ve now taken a historically sexual arrangement between a man and a woman and complicated the-hell-out-of an otherwise simple routine visit. Wow! And you’re taking her word for it that she’s on the pill?  That's like players club rule #1 of which I'm sure you are breaking all the valid cardholder rules.

Never, ever,  believe a woman is on the pill, unless you’ve both had a very serious talk and agreed that you don’t want children yet—and you really believe her. Because sorry to say, but some of my female counterparts are quite relentless when it comes to locking down a man and a baby is high on the list of tactics. The loneliness, I understand, as I think we’ve all felt like that at some point or another. But if you’re just sleeping with a woman, yet have no real connection, after awhile, don’t you feel lonely even when she’s around—like there’s something missing…an emptiness?

My advice is to let Right Now down easy and give her her walking papers...yesterday. Then join a basketball league, go hang out with your boys, have a singles party at your house or join a co-ed book club…something.


As for Miss Right...she is NOT out of your league. You’re just feeling insecure which is why you're probably wasting so much time with that other chick. Dating a woman beneath your standards who is probably trying to get pregnant is not smart. 

Are you afraid if you connect with Miss Right, that it might actually work out? Believe it or not I think some men and women are afraid to be happy...but that's another post. That she might be the one or the one before the One. And that you might have to put in some work and maybe, just maybe, show a little vulnerability? Probably. Hopefully, all that doesn’t scare you, making it easier to say “she’s out of my league” or “high maintenance” rather than pursuing her. I hope not either.


I believe that we are all much the same yet from different backgrounds and varied experiences. Experiences that should be embraced and respected are often viewed as negative or a divider. So many men date beneath your core standards to elevate themselves to feel more comfortable. Yet are unhappy then years later have a long list of regrets! 

So when you talk to Miss Right at the gym you feel a connection…what else do you need? You’ve both probably discussed liking some of the same things, places and you obviously have the healthy lifestyle in common or you wouldn’t have met at the gym. She’s totally in your league. Stop playing and ask her out. Because when you see her with the next man—you’re gonna be mad while adding her to your TOTGA List (The One That Got Away) and sending me a new question entitled... How Do I Get Miss Right from Mr. Right Now?

I Hope I’m Right, Love Portland

I Got A Married Women Pregnant! What Should I Do?

Dear Portland,

Roughly three months ago, I became involved with a married woman who works in my building. Things started off innocently enough. I would see her in the hallway or in the cafeteria at lunch, and we'd exchange "hello's" and "hi's". Then, the pleasantries turned into brief flirtations. But that's all they were...flirtations. I knew she was married. I'd often see her husband picking her up or bringing their kids by the office towards the end of the work day. I have to admit, when I'd see the guy, I always thought that she was WAY out of his league.

Anyway, a little over three months ago, I walked into my office to find a note on my computer screen saying I had a great smile. It was signed only with a smiley face of its own. I had no idea who left the note until I ran into the young woman  two days later in the cafeteria. The flirtations instantly turned more intense. Our "hello's" became hugs, and whispers from her, "That's all I get?". I really didn't make too much of it because, like I said, I knew she was married, and she's much younger than me.

Around that same time, I noticed that she was no longer being picked up by her husband, and she was staying later at work. One night, I was working late and got a knock on my office door. When I looked up, it was her. She said she was coming in to say 'goodnight'. I stood up to give her a hug, and the embrace lasted longer than what one would probably consider acceptable. I'm not going to lie...I was really turned on, and I think she noticed because the embrace turned into a kiss. Nothing happened that time. But it did the next evening...yes...at work. 

And this became a reoccurring situation. Always after work...always after everyone else had left for the day.

Yes, we both understood that she was married. But her husband was in the military on a three month deployment and apparently they have one of those "understandings".

We started off being very careful. But that didn't last long, either. We got comfortable and we got sloppy.

I say sloppy because she told me last week that she is pregnant. 

Now, she has three kids and I don't have any. Because of her relationship status, I figured she wanted to get an abortion, which would have been heart breaking to me, anyway.

Instead, she told me she didn't believe in abortion and that she was going to keep the baby, and pass it off to her recently returned husband as his. She said that she didn't want me to have anything to do with the baby.

Portland, I don't know what to do. On the one hand, I don't have any other children and I want to be in my child's life. On the other hand, I don't want to disrupt her life, anymore than I already have, or the life of her children.

Please, help me...

Sincerely,

The Daddy Adulterer 

Dear Potential Daddy Adulterer, 

This situation is a hot mess...with steam coming out of it. Literally!

First and foremost, slow. down. 

In your mad dash to claim an unborn fetus because you're a single man that doesn't have children, I think you need to stop, calm down, collect your thoughts and make sure you are not being played as some potential sperm donor. This whole situation seems terribly fishy to me. I think what you are failing to realize is she was sleeping with her husband all while you were both having escapades on the desk after dark. And more important, if he was just recently deployed then there is a 50/50 chance this is not your child. The world we live in can be pretty twisted and so my radar goes up when you say she and her husband have an understanding? Understanding? Yeah, right! I don't know many men who would give his wife carte blanche to run free while he is deployed- especially not with children in the home.  And worse, she is soo willing/immediately volunteered to keep the baby and pass it off as his- that's especially why I think you may not be the father. 

Have you ever thought that maybe this couple is taking the inexpensive route to having a baby?  Perhaps they are having fertility issues and maybe some other weird marriage related problems- then here comes you walking into her life at the right time.  I'm sure you are attractive, working together made you easily accessible and how fun would it be as a married women to seduce an older single guy at work all while her husband co-signs. Easy solution reached (you)... all without the headache of the process and having to pay the doctor bills associated with fertility and deal with whatever his potential health issues are. Although a bit unconventional and perhaps far-fetched, that's just my theory...or my hot mess hypothesis- as I like to call it.

So let's say none of the above is the case- and the baby actually is yours.  After and only after you have completed a positive results DNA or blood test- then you have every right to be a part of the child's life and provide support. You both will have to work together to make that happen which may include telling her husband.  Remember they did have an agreement.  Not sure of the terms of that agreement but when you dabble in infidelity- the potential for slip-ups are strong.

If its not your baby?  Thank your higher power for sparing you the stress and potential price tag attached to having a child and vow to never sleep with married women again. Besides, who wants to explain to their 16 year old when he or she asks, how you and his/her Mom met?...umm awkward answer is putting it mildly.

Lesson "Hopefully" Learned Love,

Portland

My Boyfriend Got Another Women Pregnant...

Dear Portland,

I have recently found out my boyfriend of 6 yrs. got another women pregnant after a 2 week split we had. What do I do?? I love him so much.
What should I do? What’s the right answer?

Dear Right Answer,

Ouch!

There are only two things you can do. ..break-up with him for good or accept the child as part of your relationship. Six years is a long time and if you both can acknowledge that you were officially broken-up during that time then you both were free to see other people, which, sorry to say, includes having sex. Stuff happens-we all make mistakes. If this was some random chick then boyfriend was dumb for not wearing a condom. But if he liked the girl but couldn’t move forward because of feelings for you then this one should be chaulked up to he got caught-up in the situation. Either way it’s a tough decision.

The question to ask yourself is—aside from loving him— are you willing to be in a relationship with a man who has a child and a baby’s mother? If the answer is no, then you know what to do but if you stay with this guy a lot of trust and maturity are going to be key. Trust that there is nothing still going on with he and this girl because he will have to see and communicate with her to share time with the baby; and mature enough to balance his daddy role with your relationship.

I posed your question to two of my girl and one male friend with the assumption that all is well (e.g a good guy who is trustworthy and wants to own up to his responsibility) all said yes, they would continue in the relationship and I agree, but you should feel completely comfortable that you have a future with this guy.
The right answer is the one you choose. Good Luck and I think it will work out just fine.

“If loving you is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right,” Love Portland

I Want To Sleep With My Sister's Boyfriend...Am I Crazy?

Dear Portland,

My sister’s boyfriend is always hitting on me (eye contact, etc.) when she’s not around. I know he wants to sleep with me and I’m so attracted to him physically that I really want too. I know I’m crazy, what should I do?

Crazy!

Dear Crazy,

This is the question you should've asked me…

Dear Portland,

What is the absolute, without-a-doubt way for me to "catch a beat-down?"

my reply…

Dear Crazy,

Let your sister find out you slept with her man!

“Catfight” Love, Portland

Bikini Wax--What Can I Expect?

Dear Portland,

Have you had experiences with getting a bikini wax? If so, how bad does it hurt? How often do you have to get them done? What will my boyfriend think? Does it have any effect on sex? Will I feel like a porn star?

Signed,

A little scared, but a lot anxious!

Dear Scared and Anxious:

My best friend turned me on to the bikini wax and I must say…I LOVE the results, but HATE the process! It hurts especially your first few times but it gets easier to bare as time goes on. The good news is the hair grows back a lot finer and slower (usually 6-8 weeks) with consistent visits.

There are two types of bikini waxes:

Bikini wax (regular)
Brazilian

A regular bikini wax is somewhat painless. That’s when hair is removed that grows outside your panty line with a warm liquid wax or by a process called sugaring (my personal favorite). The wax is applied in the direction that the hair grows with an applicator then quickly removed.

The brazilian, which is what I get using the sugaring process, is much more intense but delivers the very best results. This is where they remove ALL the hair from down-there. You may have heard of a “Telly Savalis?”…well that’s a nick name for the brazilian.
It hurts for an instant but once the hair is removed the pain quickly goes away and you’re left with a very smooth cho-cha!

What will your boyfriend think? He will probably very much like the noticeable change. Actually, studies show that men don’t really care whether women have hair or not in that area so either he’ll love it or leave it. It makes you feel kind of sexy after you get it…can’t really explain it but it does. Will it affect sex? Absolutely, because you’ll feel way more sexy, uninhibited, and like a porn star... as most of them get the brazilian.

To find a qualified waxer, ask around for recommendations. Other women are commonly very generous with that information and will travel to get this service. I'm slightly ashamed to say that I cross a state line to get mine...my girl, Sue, rocks! I digress, sorry,...then make an appointment and have he/she explain the process, then if you're comfortable-- go for it. It should range at the $50-80 price depending on your demographic area.

“Porn Star,” Love, Portland

Why Do All Women Say They Like A Big Penis?

Dear Portland,

Why do all women say they like a big penis?

--Annoyed

Dear Annoyed,

I don't think I ever heard a man say he doesn't like breasts?! Sorry, but its the world we live in...or better yet, the bed we have sex in!

Actually, most women will tell you that width and thickness is what is most desired. Most women simply cannot feel a small penis once inserted. Once all the juices are flowing and the inside of the vagina is ready to be penetrated...a small penis will just get lost in the sauce.

You didn't mention whether you were "annoyed" because you've just heard women say the aforementioned or if you are having issues in the "size" department. If you are having a problem with size, I suggest you become the expert at some other sexual act...perhaps oral. Or see your doctor to discuss enlargement. There are all kinds of products, both prescription and homeopathic, on the market that can help enlarge your appendage. There seems to be a support group for everything now-- maybe one exists, where there are women who are attracted to or need men with varied size penis'.

In any event, sex is very important in a relationship and size does matter...but it's not the only thing that matters. Remember..."It's not the size of the wand, it's the magic in it!"

"Penis" Love, Portland

Confused Brotha...

Dear Portland,

Maybe you can you help me understand something. I have dated several types of women from various ethnic groups and have noticed a consistent trend among my African-american sisters. When it comes to oral sex my sisters have no problem and in most cases insist on receiving oral sex from their male counter part. The problem for the brothers arises when it is time to reciprocate the enthusiasm is not there and mostly there is not a reciprocal relationship in this department. I started by sharing my past dating experience and have not found this same aversion and disdain for oral sex (to this level) in other ethnic groups. I have some ideas and have heard the sisters arguments for not participating, and they just do not hold water. Please shed some light on this, thank you.

Confused Brotha

Dear Confused,

Thank you for your question...but you know dayumm well sista's don't get down like that! Especially, if we are not in a "serious" relationship with you. Please understand that for many black women, oral sex goes beyond traditional sex...way beyond. We must have established a code of trust with our partner. Simply dating is not enough! Dinner, movie, then a blowjob?...probably not...as a matter of fact--hell no! Call me a prude if you'd like but, maybe, just maybe, some dinner(s), a few movie(s), plenty of time together and all the other dating and getting to know you "stuff" that couples do; then, maybe, possibly, intercourse... then, maybe, oral depending on the girl. And you being the first to take the plung doesn't sweeten the deal honey...men have historically given oral sex quicker than us women. I've thought for a long time that guys are hardwired for this occupation because you just do it. Yes, we love it, but, no, reciprocation is not automatic nor should it be expected. Do you see where I'm going with this? (smile)

Your not the first guy to say that other ethnicities are much more inclined to perform. My answer is... it may be their cultural nature. For example, in many cultures the woman is thought of as a second class citizen, so I can imagine that oral performance is just that...performance.

Now I'm feel safe saying that there is some sista out there willing to grant your wish, lickity split...you've just got to find her. But, if you're serious about this and any woman, give her time. And look at as a positive...if she isn't willing to "go down" on you so quickly, I doubt she's been down on many other guys either. ...And when she does...write me, I'd love to answer a "follow-up" question!

With "Un-Confused" Love, Portland