He Saw Me Out With Another Guy!

Dear Portland,
I've been out with guy 1 about four times and I like him.  He's very sweet a complete gentleman, handsome, great conversation, funny and always takes me to nice places. I met guy 2 right after college who I also go out with often and he took me to a festival in the park this past weekend.  The problem, well not necessarily problem, but challenge, is I saw guy 1 at the festival with all his friends.  
Guy 1 asked me to go to the festival with him after our fourth date last week but guy 2 had already asked me like a month before.  When he asked, I told him I was already going  and I think he assumed it was my girlfriends.  Worse- guy 1 saw me and guy 2 walking down the path to our group...him holding my picnic basket in one hand and holding my hand with the other AND the colors we wore matched, so what looked like planned outfits was actually just a coincidence.  Guy 2 likes to hold hands plus it was a little rocky on the path and he didn't want me to fall- so he asked me to hold his hand-and I did.  I feel pretty bad because the look on guy 1's face was unforgettable- he was totally hurt.  I waved to him and smiled and he kinda did the same- but he was sadly surprised. Thankfully, our group was a pretty good distance from guy 1's group so we never were in eye shot. Today guy 1 texted me and said "hope you had a good time at the festival" and I haven't responded yet. What do I say? I know I'm not wrong- but I feel really bad.

This question would have been a whole lot simplier to answer if Guy 1 was a complete jerk!


First I'm glad that you have met and are dating nice guys. Second, I'm happy that you are taking it slowly and getting to know each of them before jumping into anything serious.  Good for you.  Now, with all that said yes you have the right to feel a little bad because your a good person and good people don't generally want to make other people feel badly. So again yes you have the right to feel bad BUT should you feel bad...no.  Why? Because neither one of these guys is your boyfriend. 
And until and only when one of them, or another man you meet and like, asks you to be his girlfriend then all you have are male-friends. When the girlfriend question is asked and you reply 'yes' -then the two of you have a longer discussion. Then and only then, do you move forward with letting your other male-friends- that you date- know that you now have a boyfriend. He should do the same to the girl-friends in his life also.
Reply back to his text and say you had a great time and you hope he did too. Simple as that. Since you've been on four dates with guy 1, I think it would be a good time for you to initiate an outing with him.  Call him and ask him to dinner or get tickets to a show.  If he says no, or that he's busy that basically means he's upset about the festival. At that point, give him time to work through his feelings then he will contact you. Once the subject comes up during the conversation just casually remind him that you have friends and you are not seeing anyone exclusively and leave it at that. Either he will step up his game and take you off the market or decide to stay in the friend zone.

Guy 1 and 2 Love,

Portland

Non-Initiator

Dear Portland,


My husband always complains that I dont initiate s**. I'm a stay at home mom with two highly energetic small children. I do excersice and pay attention to my grooming and appearance but honestly I never feel like initiating. I used to initiate more before the kids but now I'm tired and I really want my husband to take charge of that area. What should I do?


Not in the mood.


Dear Get in the Mood,


Ok, I'm not a parent but I know if I did have children, I would have a primary and contingency babysitter in my bag of tricks at all times because your my adult life and marriage must live on- despite 2 children. I do understand this could happen to the best of us but at a certain point I think you should understand and try your best to comply with hubby's request. But that said, what you and hubby are experiencing is not the end of the world and can result in just plain fun.


My advice is to have a light-hearted talk with him, and I really mean light-hearted, because this challenge in your marriage has the potential to become the beginning of a real issue.  Suggest taking turns with initiating. Then get creative. The more creative the better- with some agreeable limits of course.  Please don't let me see you both on CNN because you were arrested for lood behavior in a public place- I'm going to turn the channel.  I would feel obligated to post your bail because you took my advice too far and got busted. Yeah, no. (smile)If you are one of those competitive type couples then trying to top each other is going to the last thing I want is a letter reporting back that you are now fighting over who intitated the last time.  Committ to the process.


I asked a friend and the immediate answer I received was "she better before he finds someone else who is in the mood." I somewhat disagree with this statement because I don't think all men are just going to give up on their wife and risk the potential loss of his family- but I do think it's important to listen and compromise in your marriage.


But I do think since your husband has moved from thinking he wants you to intiate to communicating it verbally then it may be time to listen. 

Initiate Love,

Portland