Non-Initiator

Dear Portland,


My husband always complains that I dont initiate s**. I'm a stay at home mom with two highly energetic small children. I do excersice and pay attention to my grooming and appearance but honestly I never feel like initiating. I used to initiate more before the kids but now I'm tired and I really want my husband to take charge of that area. What should I do?


Not in the mood.


Dear Get in the Mood,


Ok, I'm not a parent but I know if I did have children, I would have a primary and contingency babysitter in my bag of tricks at all times because your my adult life and marriage must live on- despite 2 children. I do understand this could happen to the best of us but at a certain point I think you should understand and try your best to comply with hubby's request. But that said, what you and hubby are experiencing is not the end of the world and can result in just plain fun.


My advice is to have a light-hearted talk with him, and I really mean light-hearted, because this challenge in your marriage has the potential to become the beginning of a real issue.  Suggest taking turns with initiating. Then get creative. The more creative the better- with some agreeable limits of course.  Please don't let me see you both on CNN because you were arrested for lood behavior in a public place- I'm going to turn the channel.  I would feel obligated to post your bail because you took my advice too far and got busted. Yeah, no. (smile)If you are one of those competitive type couples then trying to top each other is going to the last thing I want is a letter reporting back that you are now fighting over who intitated the last time.  Committ to the process.


I asked a friend and the immediate answer I received was "she better before he finds someone else who is in the mood." I somewhat disagree with this statement because I don't think all men are just going to give up on their wife and risk the potential loss of his family- but I do think it's important to listen and compromise in your marriage.


But I do think since your husband has moved from thinking he wants you to intiate to communicating it verbally then it may be time to listen. 

Initiate Love,

Portland 

My Girlfriend Makes Alot More Money Than Me... Please Help!

Dear Portland,

I've been with my girlfriend for close to a year now, and generally, things are great. I know in my heart that she's the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I've even been saving a little while I scope out rings. The only problem is that she makes a lot more money than I do...like A LOT!!! It's not part of our everyday conversation. But the issue does show up from time to time, like when she wants to go out to at a really nice restaurant that I can't afford, leaving her to pick up the check or me offering to split it. The most resent problem came up when she was planning her third vacation with her friends since we've been together. She's paying her way and for her younger sister to go on the trip. Other than weekend getaways to visit my parents or her parents, we've never taken a real vacation together...mostly because I can't afford a trip that would meet her high expectations. She unintentionally made me feel really bad about not having the funds to do bigger things together.

Portland, am I dating out of my league? How will I ever keep up with her if my bank account cannot catch up to hers? Please help...

Five Figure Phil

Dear Five Figure Phil,
 

Yes, you may be out of your league but your girlfriend is most certainly…out of her mind!

Phil, I don’t know any women… in contemporary American society, of any race, on any continent or for that much the universe- including undiscovered and unexplored territories on other planets that would go on 3 vacations, during a calendar year...with a bunch of women- especially if she has a man at home.  REALLY?!

I can't seem to figure out, what women sits on the beach in say Europe, better yet, Barbados (I’m going to assume one of those excursions was to the Caribbean) with that amazing sun, white sand beach, salsa music playing in the distant background, the waiter that you’re boyfriend (you're home, mad-never mind) tipped $15 when you arrived to serve and pay special attention to you both so you don’t have to get up except to get in the crystal clear blue water to cool off. It gets better. Then there’s the lady who gives amazing massages on the beach with cooling aloe vera gel, and I can't forget, the unlimited pina coladas for breakfast (Yaas!), lunch and dinner. All while laying next to your boyfriend, potentially your future fiancé' (oh, right, you’re at home) softly snoring, completely vulnerable, under the umbrella because he’s tired from the countless times in the room…well you get the point. Opps, no you don’t, because you're where? Home!

Who would trade that small slice of heaven to vacay with a bunch of chicks and her little sister?! I’m sorry, were there 3 destination bachelorette parties you forgot to mention? 

Just so we're clear- the occasional girls trip is a must -every few years or so. We ladies need a chance to reconnect and talk about all our girl stuff.  While back at home, our men play airport shuttle; chauffeuring us to the departure gate at BWI and retrieving us from the United baggage claim upon our return.  Yes, we females bond and all that jazz but…it's apples and oranges and definitely should be the second choice compared to a vacation with you.  Being a vacay companion is part of your job description as a boyfriend or girlfriend.  It. just. is.

Is she out of your league?

I really don't know. You said she brought her sister on the trip.  With that statement, I don’t know if you’re implying that you wanted her to pay for you because of your finances (I hope you didn’t mean that) vs. paying for her sister- it’s unclear.  I'd have to know more about you and her to make a better determination. But I can tell you, although money wouldn't be a deciding factor it would play a role. I would base my opinion on your education, background, drive which would all likely provide a good prospectus of your earning potential.

What I do know is- if you really like her- I think you should slow down on the ring hunt and use that money to go on a trip.  If you can’t take a vacay together what makes you think you can spend the rest of your life with her?  Go on at least one trip with her this year- excluding parental visits. No excuses, as there are too many discount internet travel sites and crazy inexpensive cruises available for you to be home while she explores the world.   

Although this relationship seems imbalanced, I really don’t know how long you can both keep ignoring the “elephant in the room” of the significant difference in finances without having a serious talk. Especially since you seem so concerned about it and you’ve been together for less than a year. You don’t say whether you are unemployed or in a low paying job.  If either is your current job status then I’m sure time and diligence will provide you with either a job, or a better one.

But just so you know, there’s always going to be someone in the relationship who earns more money and the man is usually much happier if it’s him. But since it’s currently not you, what’s not cool is you crying broke and she tossing money around like it grows on trees. Saving is important but so isn't spending quality time together and that usually costs money.  So the subject of saving and spending for entertainment etc. should be a part of the "elephant” conversation along with some of your other concerns- and hers too. 

Now, I Need A Vacation Love,

Portland