January 28, 2010

He Keeps Buying Me Lingerie...

Dear Portland,

My husband keeps buying me lingerie for my birthday. I know I should be appreciative, and I am, to some degree, but every year it doesn’t fit. I’m a plus-size woman and it’s usually hideous, but most of all it isn’t for me. Lingerie is really for him to enjoy that night. I want a gift for me, like jewelry, not something I’m going to wear for 2 minutes, wash the next day and toss in the drawer.

Upset


Dear Upset,

I get it. You want your husband to buy a more personal gift for your birthday that only you can enjoy, like a piece of jewelry, AND something sexy, that's pretty and fits.

Although ugly and ill fitting—I do like that he’s taking the time to shop for you, so let’s not spoil his fun. He probably enjoys the whole shopping adventure, unlike most men who would be a nervous-wreck in the lingerie section of Macy’s or Victoria’s Secret.

The size part—I do understand as no one feels sexy in something that doesn’t fit. Simply ask him to get you the next size. Fredericks of Hollywood, www.fredericks.com offers various sizes, props and accessories too.

Please overlook his poor taste, as he obviously is pleased with his purchase and you did say it will only be on for a few minutes—so just smile and say thank you.

As for the jewelry…I consulted two of my married girlfriends on this one. To ensure that you get, let’s say, that bracelet you want, tell him, in a nice way, what and where to purchase if you don’t trust his taste here. Better yet, put it on hold and tell the salesperson your husband is coming in to buy “this”- then send hubby off to the mall. When he gets home you can slip into your new outfit—that fits—and “officially” thank him for your birthday gifts.

“Birthday Suit,” Love, Portland

January 26, 2010

I Want To Sleep With My Sister's Boyfriend...Am I Crazy?

Dear Portland,

My sister’s boyfriend is always hitting on me (eye contact, etc.) when she’s not around. I know he wants to sleep with me and I’m so attracted to him physically that I really want too. I know I’m crazy, what should I do?

Crazy!


Dear Crazy,

This is the question you should've asked me…

Dear Portland,

What is the absolute, without-a-doubt way for me to "catch a beat-down?"


my reply…

Dear Crazy,

Let your sister find out you slept with her man!


“Catfight” Love, Portland

January 19, 2010

Is A "Mutual" Breakup Ever Really Mutual?

Dear Portland,

Is a “Mutual” Breakup Ever Really Mutual?


Dear Ever Really Mutual,

I had this conversation back in 2008 with some friends at Chi Cha Lounge in DC. I forget how the subject came up but the conversation went on for hours. After many drinks and what started as a civilized exchange turned into a loud, hilarious debate that ended with the answer (shouted by one of the guys)… Hell No!

I must agree with my crazy friends, breakups are hardly ever mutual. It cracks me up when people say “yes, we broke up, but it’s cool, because it was mutual.” My reply, yeah, right!

Yes, there’s trouble in paradise and yes, some things could change in the partnership or the relationship could’ve been a hot mess from the start but there’s always one person who wants to hang on more than the other. He/she may front and play the strong role, but in the end one of them wishes or hopes the relationship can or could have been worked out but is too chicken to say it.

It’s funny too, because if you’re not close to the couple, or should I say—all in their business— you’ll never really know how it happened. Right?!

Let’s say he broke it off with her. She tells her people that it was “mutual” because she doesn’t want to admit that she got dumped, and he tells his friends it was mutual because he doesn’t want to seem like the bad guy.

My theory—the one who talks about the other the most, remembering the good times and “conveniently” bringing his or her name up with friends and family is usually the one who didn’t want the relationship to end. This is also the one who’s heart stops every time the phone rings, secretly hoping he/she has come to his/her senses and wants to get back together. The other person is hurt and a little sad about the outcome but knows it was for the best. He/she has moved on with life- as well as to be expected -and may see places and things that they shared as a couple, but knows it will be no more…

“Not So Mutual,” Love, Portland

January 15, 2010

Should I Break Up With Him?

Dear Portland,

I have a boyfriend and we’ve been dating for a year and 3 months and I love him. The problem is I’m falling in love with someone else, it’s confusing to say the least, but he really treats me better. I want to break up with my boyfriend...but I don’t know if I should and how to go about it. Please help!

Possible Break-Up



Dear Possible Break-Up,

Love can hurt.

You met your boyfriend a little more than a year ago and things are just ok, but you met another guy, probably by accident, and he treats you better. For fear of sounding harsh, it happens! You are not married to your boyfriend so it may be time to move on. The problem is— it breaks your heart, that you are about to break his.

Once you’ve made the decision to move forward—how you go about it is key. First, make sure you really want to end it with your boyfriend. You say this new guy treats you better but, you have time and feelings invested with your boyfriend and once you start down the breakup road, changing your mind will make it really tough to turn back. Make sure this new guy is ready to make a commitment to you and the relationship. I’d hate for you to leave a good man for another who isn’t ready to commit. I can’t stress that enough. Then, make a list of your boyfriend and the new guy’s positives and negative traits and see which one is the longest. Then list the sweet gestures, how safe you feel when you’re with each of them (this one is important), conversations, intimacy, etc. and since it’s been a year and you’ve probably met each others families- how he relates to your family and you to his—all the intangible stuff that happens in a relationship that helps it grow. Corny? Possibly, but let’s call it “breakup due diligence.”

Then set a relaxing yet non-sexual mood at your house, and invite your boyfriend over to talk. Some people say that a public place is best but he may get angry and cause a scene—just keep it private. During the conversation highlight his positive points and all the things that attracted you to him all while expressing that your feelings have changed—yet spare his feelings that you’re interested in someone else. Downplay any negative traits, hope he understands and offer to be friends.

However, I have to warn you that most men don’t take break-ups lightly, and he will probably try his best to win you back, especially if you caught him off guard and this isn’t a mutual thing. Be ready for that, and don’t play games.

And if you are really over this guy and ready to break up and commit to another then try to stay firm in your decision and move on.

Please keep me posted on this one.

“Heart-broken,” Love, Portland

January 08, 2010

Bikini Wax--What Can I Expect?

Dear Portland,

Have you had experiences with getting a bikini wax? If so, how bad does it hurt? How often do you have to get them done? What will my boyfriend think? Does it have any effect on sex? Will I feel like a porn star?

Signed,

A little scared, but a lot anxious!


Dear Scared and Anxious:

My best friend turned me on to the bikini wax and I must say…I LOVE the results, but HATE the process! It hurts especially your first few times but it gets easier to bare as time goes on. The good news is the hair grows back a lot finer and slower (usually 6-8 weeks) with consistent visits.

There are two types of bikini waxes:

Bikini wax (regular)
Brazilian

A regular bikini wax is somewhat painless. That’s when hair is removed that grows outside your panty line with a warm liquid wax or by a process called sugaring (my personal favorite). The wax is applied in the direction that the hair grows with an applicator then quickly removed.

The brazilian, which is what I get using the sugaring process, is much more intense but delivers the very best results. This is where they remove ALL the hair from down-there. You may have heard of a “Telly Savalis?”…well that’s a nick name for the brazilian.
It hurts for an instant but once the hair is removed the pain quickly goes away and you’re left with a very smooth cho-cha!

What will your boyfriend think? He will probably very much like the noticeable change. Actually, studies show that men don’t really care whether women have hair or not in that area so either he’ll love it or leave it. It makes you feel kind of sexy after you get it…can’t really explain it but it does. Will it affect sex? Absolutely, because you’ll feel way more sexy, uninhibited, and like a porn star... as most of them get the brazilian.

To find a qualified waxer, ask around for recommendations. Other women are commonly very generous with that information and will travel to get this service. I'm slightly ashamed to say that I cross a state line to get mine...my girl, Sue, rocks! I digress, sorry,...then make an appointment and have he/she explain the process, then if you're comfortable-- go for it. It should range at the $50-80 price depending on your demographic area.

“Porn Star,” Love, Portland

January 06, 2010

I Think I'm Falling In Love

Dear Portland,

I think I'm falling in love. I'm 28 years old and I've been dating this guy for 8 months now and he's funny, intelligent, outgoing and we have many of the same future goals. When I'm with him time flies and when we're apart I look forward to seeing him. We have become an important part of each others lives. The only problem is we have not spent an extended period of time together. We have not taken any long trips, or really have had any crisis' to weather so it makes me a little scared. I really want to know him as the complete man; not just the one who is great when everything is going right.

Falling In Love,


Dear Falling In Love,

I'd hoped for a question like this, because it's a bit of a challenge for me as I’ve had friends as well as myself in similar relationships. In a few cases the guy turned out to be a NO!

So, congratulations on meeting a nice guy. I applaud you for what seems like a pretty grounded approach to this relationship. Many times women meet a man, and he has all the above qualities. Then we rush into the relationship too quickly and the "real" person comes out that we don't like so much. I think 6-8 months is about the time you’ll start to see unpleasant personality traits in someone— you know when, as my friend Kym has said “the imposter leaves and the real person steps out.”

I suggest that you ask his advice about something in your life e.g work, school etc. where you might have some challenges. Or if you have car trouble or a car question, call him and ask his opinion or call him before AAA just to see how he handles it. Whether he comes to your rescue, calls a friend who is close by to help...whatever, it will give you better insight on how he may act in a crisis when you are in need. However, I’d stay away from money and family issues because those can be hard to navigate and subjective. If all goes well, then discuss a weekend trip and have fun but don’t look for anything negative to occur- just listen to your heart and especially your woman’s intuition (your gut).

“Have Fun Falling In Love” Love, Portland