Mr. Single in Baltimore

Dear Portland,

Why do women have more expectations in their mate than they do in themselves? (e.g., good job/job security, decent living conditions, nice ride and education.)
--Mr. Single in Baltimore

Dear Mr. Single in Baltimore,

Please stop going to wherever you are meeting these women!

Seriously--Women want a man they can respect. Some women, myself included, are attracted to a man who has accomplished things, in life, both large and small. And despite her “check marks” and/or lack thereof, she wants to be proud of him and have bragging rights to his accomplishments. Also, some women may think a man who has not reached a certain level by a certain age isn’t setting a good example of a good future husband, father and provider. I didn’t say it was fair, but it is the reality for some.

You might ask, “why can’t those accomplishments be reached together?” The answer is…they can, but some men and women while waiting for “the one” are earning degree(s) with large salaries and accumulating many of the material things commonly attached to those earnings (education, home, luxury car, vacations, etc.) and some are not. Then there are those who are just waiting for “you” to come along with all your “bag of accomplishments” and material items to make life better for them. It really just depends on the woman or man.

Maybe you have one of those “rare” women who believes “men hunt and women nest.” That is, a woman who may have grown up in a two parent family where the father was the bread winner and the mother stayed at home—may be conditioned to think this way--which is part of her foundation. There are even some women who have concluded that relationships like their parents and grandparents "worked" when the women stayed at home, took care of the house and children and was more submissive—including sexually.

My best friend is a good example. Like her father, her husband is an entrepreneur and she’s helping him with all the grueling legwork to open another store location; just like her mother helped her father do at some point during their marriage. My friend is college-educated with good organizational and communication skills but she neither works nor wants an outside job. Is she working to her potential? Most would probably say “no.” However, she is invaluable to her husband, his business, their life and especially to what they are attempting to accomplish together—and they like it that way. Not only does she take care of all the day to day house and life minutia including cooking and cleaning; she plans their vacations, takes care of anything else that pops up (and you know stuff pops up-a leaky roof last week) and represents her husband at important business meetings he can’t attend because he’s running the first store.

Some men might say “she doesn’t have a real job and none of what she’s doing is bringing in any additional income.” True, but it works for them which is why you should use your situation as its own benchmark and ignore society and certainly what your friends may be whispering in your ear.

My advice, talk to her, as you may not know her whole story or fully understand her foundation. Her conversation could amaze you or disappoint. In the end, all the expectations that you say she expects, should be expectations that you have for yourself and more (minus the nice ride--not a deal breaker, that’s just immature.) But, if you are looking for a woman to compete with you?—then maybe you should rethink your motives and what you really want in a relationship. Because a relationship/love is not about being equal in accomplishments, career or money it’s about being equally yoked.

On the other hand, is it possible that you’re dating a gold-digger who is just lazy and wants to take more that she gives to the relationship? or is just plain immature? In either case, I suggest… you drop her like a bad habit.

"Baltimore" Love, Portland