Dear Portland,
If you are feeling a dude that respectfully approaches you, what is the point of “playing hard to get?”
Respectful Guy
Dear Respectful,
Classic…
For most women it’s pretty simple. If he’s interested he’ll show you and more than once if necessary. Why do we do this? Because we are not sure of your REAL intentions and we aren’t really sure if we like you yet. Yes, you may express your most heart felt feelings, which we like, but your actions speak louder than the words.
A man will see a woman of interest and approach her as soon as the coast is clear. Because men tend to take a woman for her word and almost immediately is ready to move forward. Not always a good thing but that’s a whole new question to answer. Women are a bit more cautious when approached by a man. Although the exterior package may look correct—getting to know you is usually what we’re doing. Are you really as good of a man as you say you are? Baggage, etc…
So, I apologize for all the women in your life that have or are playing hard to get but hopefully one of them is worth the effort.
"Hard To Get" Love, Portland
April 07, 2010
March 15, 2010
My Boyfriend Got Another Women Pregnant...
Dear Portland,
I have recently found out my boyfriend of 6 yrs. got another women pregnant after a 2 week split we had. What do I do?? I love him so much.
What should I do? What’s the right answer?
Dear Right Answer,
Ouch!
There are only two things you can do. ..break-up with him for good or accept the child as part of your relationship. Six years is a long time and if you both can acknowledge that you were officially broken-up during that time then you both were free to see other people, which, sorry to say, includes having sex. Stuff happens-we all make mistakes. If this was some random chick then boyfriend was dumb for not wearing a condom. But if he liked the girl but couldn’t move forward because of feelings for you then this one should be chaulked up to he got caught-up in the situation. Either way it’s a tough decision.
The question to ask yourself is—aside from loving him— are you willing to be in a relationship with a man who has a child and a baby’s mother? If the answer is no, then you know what to do but if you stay with this guy a lot of trust and maturity are going to be key. Trust that there is nothing still going on with he and this girl because he will have to see and communicate with her to share time with the baby; and mature enough to balance his daddy role with your relationship.
I posed your question to two of my girl and one male friend with the assumption that all is well (e.g a good guy who is trustworthy and wants to own up to his responsibility) all said yes, they would continue in the relationship and I agree, but you should feel completely comfortable that you have a future with this guy.
The right answer is the one you choose. Good Luck and I think it will work out just fine.
“If loving you is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right,” Love Portland
I have recently found out my boyfriend of 6 yrs. got another women pregnant after a 2 week split we had. What do I do?? I love him so much.
What should I do? What’s the right answer?
Dear Right Answer,
Ouch!
There are only two things you can do. ..break-up with him for good or accept the child as part of your relationship. Six years is a long time and if you both can acknowledge that you were officially broken-up during that time then you both were free to see other people, which, sorry to say, includes having sex. Stuff happens-we all make mistakes. If this was some random chick then boyfriend was dumb for not wearing a condom. But if he liked the girl but couldn’t move forward because of feelings for you then this one should be chaulked up to he got caught-up in the situation. Either way it’s a tough decision.
The question to ask yourself is—aside from loving him— are you willing to be in a relationship with a man who has a child and a baby’s mother? If the answer is no, then you know what to do but if you stay with this guy a lot of trust and maturity are going to be key. Trust that there is nothing still going on with he and this girl because he will have to see and communicate with her to share time with the baby; and mature enough to balance his daddy role with your relationship.
I posed your question to two of my girl and one male friend with the assumption that all is well (e.g a good guy who is trustworthy and wants to own up to his responsibility) all said yes, they would continue in the relationship and I agree, but you should feel completely comfortable that you have a future with this guy.
The right answer is the one you choose. Good Luck and I think it will work out just fine.
“If loving you is wrong, then I don’t wanna be right,” Love Portland
February 17, 2010
My Boyfriend Hasn't Called Me in Six Days...
Dear Portland,
My boyfriend of a year hasn't called in six days and I have no idea why. Usually it has something to do with him being mad at me or something along those lines, other times its just him being busy, but even then he'll call after just a couple of days. The last time we talked was when he told me that we couldn't get together on New Years Eve, and I was pretty upset about it for a while but got over it quickly.
Like I said, usually if he's acting like this, I know the reason or have a pretty good idea but as of right now, I ‘m COMPLETELY in the dark and totally confused. Should I wait for him to call me, which might be never, depending on why he’s mad (if he's mad), or should I wait for a certain length of time and call him?
In The Dark
Dear In The Dark,
Let me open the curtains for you!
This guy is much to "suspect" to have the title of “boyfriend” in your life. It seems very possible that he picks fights with you to make it easier for him to go missing in action (e.g.. New Year’s Eve), then come around when he wants or has time.
This guy is showing all the signs that he’s either crazy, dating someone else, married or more recently…dead!
I suggest one of the following:
If he’s alive, when he does call, ask him to never call you again— then get a real boyfriend who appreciates you.
If he is dead—you should probably go to the funeral.
"100 Watt" Love, Portland
My boyfriend of a year hasn't called in six days and I have no idea why. Usually it has something to do with him being mad at me or something along those lines, other times its just him being busy, but even then he'll call after just a couple of days. The last time we talked was when he told me that we couldn't get together on New Years Eve, and I was pretty upset about it for a while but got over it quickly.
Like I said, usually if he's acting like this, I know the reason or have a pretty good idea but as of right now, I ‘m COMPLETELY in the dark and totally confused. Should I wait for him to call me, which might be never, depending on why he’s mad (if he's mad), or should I wait for a certain length of time and call him?
In The Dark
Dear In The Dark,
Let me open the curtains for you!
This guy is much to "suspect" to have the title of “boyfriend” in your life. It seems very possible that he picks fights with you to make it easier for him to go missing in action (e.g.. New Year’s Eve), then come around when he wants or has time.
This guy is showing all the signs that he’s either crazy, dating someone else, married or more recently…dead!
I suggest one of the following:
If he’s alive, when he does call, ask him to never call you again— then get a real boyfriend who appreciates you.
If he is dead—you should probably go to the funeral.
"100 Watt" Love, Portland
January 28, 2010
He Keeps Buying Me Lingerie...
Dear Portland,
My husband keeps buying me lingerie for my birthday. I know I should be appreciative, and I am, to some degree, but every year it doesn’t fit. I’m a plus-size woman and it’s usually hideous, but most of all it isn’t for me. Lingerie is really for him to enjoy that night. I want a gift for me, like jewelry, not something I’m going to wear for 2 minutes, wash the next day and toss in the drawer.
Upset
Dear Upset,
I get it. You want your husband to buy a more personal gift for your birthday that only you can enjoy, like a piece of jewelry, AND something sexy, that's pretty and fits.
Although ugly and ill fitting—I do like that he’s taking the time to shop for you, so let’s not spoil his fun. He probably enjoys the whole shopping adventure, unlike most men who would be a nervous-wreck in the lingerie section of Macy’s or Victoria’s Secret.
The size part—I do understand as no one feels sexy in something that doesn’t fit. Simply ask him to get you the next size. Fredericks of Hollywood, www.fredericks.com offers various sizes, props and accessories too.
Please overlook his poor taste, as he obviously is pleased with his purchase and you did say it will only be on for a few minutes—so just smile and say thank you.
As for the jewelry…I consulted two of my married girlfriends on this one. To ensure that you get, let’s say, that bracelet you want, tell him, in a nice way, what and where to purchase if you don’t trust his taste here. Better yet, put it on hold and tell the salesperson your husband is coming in to buy “this”- then send hubby off to the mall. When he gets home you can slip into your new outfit—that fits—and “officially” thank him for your birthday gifts.
“Birthday Suit,” Love, Portland
My husband keeps buying me lingerie for my birthday. I know I should be appreciative, and I am, to some degree, but every year it doesn’t fit. I’m a plus-size woman and it’s usually hideous, but most of all it isn’t for me. Lingerie is really for him to enjoy that night. I want a gift for me, like jewelry, not something I’m going to wear for 2 minutes, wash the next day and toss in the drawer.
Upset
Dear Upset,
I get it. You want your husband to buy a more personal gift for your birthday that only you can enjoy, like a piece of jewelry, AND something sexy, that's pretty and fits.
Although ugly and ill fitting—I do like that he’s taking the time to shop for you, so let’s not spoil his fun. He probably enjoys the whole shopping adventure, unlike most men who would be a nervous-wreck in the lingerie section of Macy’s or Victoria’s Secret.
The size part—I do understand as no one feels sexy in something that doesn’t fit. Simply ask him to get you the next size. Fredericks of Hollywood, www.fredericks.com offers various sizes, props and accessories too.
Please overlook his poor taste, as he obviously is pleased with his purchase and you did say it will only be on for a few minutes—so just smile and say thank you.
As for the jewelry…I consulted two of my married girlfriends on this one. To ensure that you get, let’s say, that bracelet you want, tell him, in a nice way, what and where to purchase if you don’t trust his taste here. Better yet, put it on hold and tell the salesperson your husband is coming in to buy “this”- then send hubby off to the mall. When he gets home you can slip into your new outfit—that fits—and “officially” thank him for your birthday gifts.
“Birthday Suit,” Love, Portland
January 26, 2010
I Want To Sleep With My Sister's Boyfriend...Am I Crazy?
Dear Portland,
My sister’s boyfriend is always hitting on me (eye contact, etc.) when she’s not around. I know he wants to sleep with me and I’m so attracted to him physically that I really want too. I know I’m crazy, what should I do?
Crazy!
Dear Crazy,
This is the question you should've asked me…
Dear Portland,
What is the absolute, without-a-doubt way for me to "catch a beat-down?"
my reply…
Dear Crazy,
Let your sister find out you slept with her man!
“Catfight” Love, Portland
My sister’s boyfriend is always hitting on me (eye contact, etc.) when she’s not around. I know he wants to sleep with me and I’m so attracted to him physically that I really want too. I know I’m crazy, what should I do?
Crazy!
Dear Crazy,
This is the question you should've asked me…
Dear Portland,
What is the absolute, without-a-doubt way for me to "catch a beat-down?"
my reply…
Dear Crazy,
Let your sister find out you slept with her man!
“Catfight” Love, Portland
January 19, 2010
Is A "Mutual" Breakup Ever Really Mutual?
Dear Portland,
Is a “Mutual” Breakup Ever Really Mutual?
Dear Ever Really Mutual,
I had this conversation back in 2008 with some friends at Chi Cha Lounge in DC. I forget how the subject came up but the conversation went on for hours. After many drinks and what started as a civilized exchange turned into a loud, hilarious debate that ended with the answer (shouted by one of the guys)… Hell No!
I must agree with my crazy friends, breakups are hardly ever mutual. It cracks me up when people say “yes, we broke up, but it’s cool, because it was mutual.” My reply, yeah, right!
Yes, there’s trouble in paradise and yes, some things could change in the partnership or the relationship could’ve been a hot mess from the start but there’s always one person who wants to hang on more than the other. He/she may front and play the strong role, but in the end one of them wishes or hopes the relationship can or could have been worked out but is too chicken to say it.
It’s funny too, because if you’re not close to the couple, or should I say—all in their business— you’ll never really know how it happened. Right?!
Let’s say he broke it off with her. She tells her people that it was “mutual” because she doesn’t want to admit that she got dumped, and he tells his friends it was mutual because he doesn’t want to seem like the bad guy.
My theory—the one who talks about the other the most, remembering the good times and “conveniently” bringing his or her name up with friends and family is usually the one who didn’t want the relationship to end. This is also the one who’s heart stops every time the phone rings, secretly hoping he/she has come to his/her senses and wants to get back together. The other person is hurt and a little sad about the outcome but knows it was for the best. He/she has moved on with life- as well as to be expected -and may see places and things that they shared as a couple, but knows it will be no more…
“Not So Mutual,” Love, Portland
Is a “Mutual” Breakup Ever Really Mutual?
Dear Ever Really Mutual,
I had this conversation back in 2008 with some friends at Chi Cha Lounge in DC. I forget how the subject came up but the conversation went on for hours. After many drinks and what started as a civilized exchange turned into a loud, hilarious debate that ended with the answer (shouted by one of the guys)… Hell No!
I must agree with my crazy friends, breakups are hardly ever mutual. It cracks me up when people say “yes, we broke up, but it’s cool, because it was mutual.” My reply, yeah, right!
Yes, there’s trouble in paradise and yes, some things could change in the partnership or the relationship could’ve been a hot mess from the start but there’s always one person who wants to hang on more than the other. He/she may front and play the strong role, but in the end one of them wishes or hopes the relationship can or could have been worked out but is too chicken to say it.
It’s funny too, because if you’re not close to the couple, or should I say—all in their business— you’ll never really know how it happened. Right?!
Let’s say he broke it off with her. She tells her people that it was “mutual” because she doesn’t want to admit that she got dumped, and he tells his friends it was mutual because he doesn’t want to seem like the bad guy.
My theory—the one who talks about the other the most, remembering the good times and “conveniently” bringing his or her name up with friends and family is usually the one who didn’t want the relationship to end. This is also the one who’s heart stops every time the phone rings, secretly hoping he/she has come to his/her senses and wants to get back together. The other person is hurt and a little sad about the outcome but knows it was for the best. He/she has moved on with life- as well as to be expected -and may see places and things that they shared as a couple, but knows it will be no more…
“Not So Mutual,” Love, Portland
January 15, 2010
Should I Break Up With Him?
Dear Portland,
I have a boyfriend and we’ve been dating for a year and 3 months and I love him. The problem is I’m falling in love with someone else, it’s confusing to say the least, but he really treats me better. I want to break up with my boyfriend...but I don’t know if I should and how to go about it. Please help!
Possible Break-Up
Dear Possible Break-Up,
Love can hurt.
You met your boyfriend a little more than a year ago and things are just ok, but you met another guy, probably by accident, and he treats you better. For fear of sounding harsh, it happens! You are not married to your boyfriend so it may be time to move on. The problem is— it breaks your heart, that you are about to break his.
Once you’ve made the decision to move forward—how you go about it is key. First, make sure you really want to end it with your boyfriend. You say this new guy treats you better but, you have time and feelings invested with your boyfriend and once you start down the breakup road, changing your mind will make it really tough to turn back. Make sure this new guy is ready to make a commitment to you and the relationship. I’d hate for you to leave a good man for another who isn’t ready to commit. I can’t stress that enough. Then, make a list of your boyfriend and the new guy’s positives and negative traits and see which one is the longest. Then list the sweet gestures, how safe you feel when you’re with each of them (this one is important), conversations, intimacy, etc. and since it’s been a year and you’ve probably met each others families- how he relates to your family and you to his—all the intangible stuff that happens in a relationship that helps it grow. Corny? Possibly, but let’s call it “breakup due diligence.”
Then set a relaxing yet non-sexual mood at your house, and invite your boyfriend over to talk. Some people say that a public place is best but he may get angry and cause a scene—just keep it private. During the conversation highlight his positive points and all the things that attracted you to him all while expressing that your feelings have changed—yet spare his feelings that you’re interested in someone else. Downplay any negative traits, hope he understands and offer to be friends.
However, I have to warn you that most men don’t take break-ups lightly, and he will probably try his best to win you back, especially if you caught him off guard and this isn’t a mutual thing. Be ready for that, and don’t play games.
And if you are really over this guy and ready to break up and commit to another then try to stay firm in your decision and move on.
Please keep me posted on this one.
“Heart-broken,” Love, Portland
I have a boyfriend and we’ve been dating for a year and 3 months and I love him. The problem is I’m falling in love with someone else, it’s confusing to say the least, but he really treats me better. I want to break up with my boyfriend...but I don’t know if I should and how to go about it. Please help!
Possible Break-Up
Dear Possible Break-Up,
Love can hurt.
You met your boyfriend a little more than a year ago and things are just ok, but you met another guy, probably by accident, and he treats you better. For fear of sounding harsh, it happens! You are not married to your boyfriend so it may be time to move on. The problem is— it breaks your heart, that you are about to break his.
Once you’ve made the decision to move forward—how you go about it is key. First, make sure you really want to end it with your boyfriend. You say this new guy treats you better but, you have time and feelings invested with your boyfriend and once you start down the breakup road, changing your mind will make it really tough to turn back. Make sure this new guy is ready to make a commitment to you and the relationship. I’d hate for you to leave a good man for another who isn’t ready to commit. I can’t stress that enough. Then, make a list of your boyfriend and the new guy’s positives and negative traits and see which one is the longest. Then list the sweet gestures, how safe you feel when you’re with each of them (this one is important), conversations, intimacy, etc. and since it’s been a year and you’ve probably met each others families- how he relates to your family and you to his—all the intangible stuff that happens in a relationship that helps it grow. Corny? Possibly, but let’s call it “breakup due diligence.”
Then set a relaxing yet non-sexual mood at your house, and invite your boyfriend over to talk. Some people say that a public place is best but he may get angry and cause a scene—just keep it private. During the conversation highlight his positive points and all the things that attracted you to him all while expressing that your feelings have changed—yet spare his feelings that you’re interested in someone else. Downplay any negative traits, hope he understands and offer to be friends.
However, I have to warn you that most men don’t take break-ups lightly, and he will probably try his best to win you back, especially if you caught him off guard and this isn’t a mutual thing. Be ready for that, and don’t play games.
And if you are really over this guy and ready to break up and commit to another then try to stay firm in your decision and move on.
Please keep me posted on this one.
“Heart-broken,” Love, Portland
January 08, 2010
Bikini Wax--What Can I Expect?
Dear Portland,
Have you had experiences with getting a bikini wax? If so, how bad does it hurt? How often do you have to get them done? What will my boyfriend think? Does it have any effect on sex? Will I feel like a porn star?
Signed,
A little scared, but a lot anxious!
Dear Scared and Anxious:
My best friend turned me on to the bikini wax and I must say…I LOVE the results, but HATE the process! It hurts especially your first few times but it gets easier to bare as time goes on. The good news is the hair grows back a lot finer and slower (usually 6-8 weeks) with consistent visits.
There are two types of bikini waxes:
Bikini wax (regular)
Brazilian
A regular bikini wax is somewhat painless. That’s when hair is removed that grows outside your panty line with a warm liquid wax or by a process called sugaring (my personal favorite). The wax is applied in the direction that the hair grows with an applicator then quickly removed.
The brazilian, which is what I get using the sugaring process, is much more intense but delivers the very best results. This is where they remove ALL the hair from down-there. You may have heard of a “Telly Savalis?”…well that’s a nick name for the brazilian.
It hurts for an instant but once the hair is removed the pain quickly goes away and you’re left with a very smooth cho-cha!
What will your boyfriend think? He will probably very much like the noticeable change. Actually, studies show that men don’t really care whether women have hair or not in that area so either he’ll love it or leave it. It makes you feel kind of sexy after you get it…can’t really explain it but it does. Will it affect sex? Absolutely, because you’ll feel way more sexy, uninhibited, and like a porn star... as most of them get the brazilian.
To find a qualified waxer, ask around for recommendations. Other women are commonly very generous with that information and will travel to get this service. I'm slightly ashamed to say that I cross a state line to get mine...my girl, Sue, rocks! I digress, sorry,...then make an appointment and have he/she explain the process, then if you're comfortable-- go for it. It should range at the $50-80 price depending on your demographic area.
“Porn Star,” Love, Portland
Have you had experiences with getting a bikini wax? If so, how bad does it hurt? How often do you have to get them done? What will my boyfriend think? Does it have any effect on sex? Will I feel like a porn star?
Signed,
A little scared, but a lot anxious!
Dear Scared and Anxious:
My best friend turned me on to the bikini wax and I must say…I LOVE the results, but HATE the process! It hurts especially your first few times but it gets easier to bare as time goes on. The good news is the hair grows back a lot finer and slower (usually 6-8 weeks) with consistent visits.
There are two types of bikini waxes:
Bikini wax (regular)
Brazilian
A regular bikini wax is somewhat painless. That’s when hair is removed that grows outside your panty line with a warm liquid wax or by a process called sugaring (my personal favorite). The wax is applied in the direction that the hair grows with an applicator then quickly removed.
The brazilian, which is what I get using the sugaring process, is much more intense but delivers the very best results. This is where they remove ALL the hair from down-there. You may have heard of a “Telly Savalis?”…well that’s a nick name for the brazilian.
It hurts for an instant but once the hair is removed the pain quickly goes away and you’re left with a very smooth cho-cha!
What will your boyfriend think? He will probably very much like the noticeable change. Actually, studies show that men don’t really care whether women have hair or not in that area so either he’ll love it or leave it. It makes you feel kind of sexy after you get it…can’t really explain it but it does. Will it affect sex? Absolutely, because you’ll feel way more sexy, uninhibited, and like a porn star... as most of them get the brazilian.
To find a qualified waxer, ask around for recommendations. Other women are commonly very generous with that information and will travel to get this service. I'm slightly ashamed to say that I cross a state line to get mine...my girl, Sue, rocks! I digress, sorry,...then make an appointment and have he/she explain the process, then if you're comfortable-- go for it. It should range at the $50-80 price depending on your demographic area.
“Porn Star,” Love, Portland
January 06, 2010
I Think I'm Falling In Love
Dear Portland,
I think I'm falling in love. I'm 28 years old and I've been dating this guy for 8 months now and he's funny, intelligent, outgoing and we have many of the same future goals. When I'm with him time flies and when we're apart I look forward to seeing him. We have become an important part of each others lives. The only problem is we have not spent an extended period of time together. We have not taken any long trips, or really have had any crisis' to weather so it makes me a little scared. I really want to know him as the complete man; not just the one who is great when everything is going right.
Falling In Love,
Dear Falling In Love,
I'd hoped for a question like this, because it's a bit of a challenge for me as I’ve had friends as well as myself in similar relationships. In a few cases the guy turned out to be a NO!
So, congratulations on meeting a nice guy. I applaud you for what seems like a pretty grounded approach to this relationship. Many times women meet a man, and he has all the above qualities. Then we rush into the relationship too quickly and the "real" person comes out that we don't like so much. I think 6-8 months is about the time you’ll start to see unpleasant personality traits in someone— you know when, as my friend Kym has said “the imposter leaves and the real person steps out.”
I suggest that you ask his advice about something in your life e.g work, school etc. where you might have some challenges. Or if you have car trouble or a car question, call him and ask his opinion or call him before AAA just to see how he handles it. Whether he comes to your rescue, calls a friend who is close by to help...whatever, it will give you better insight on how he may act in a crisis when you are in need. However, I’d stay away from money and family issues because those can be hard to navigate and subjective. If all goes well, then discuss a weekend trip and have fun but don’t look for anything negative to occur- just listen to your heart and especially your woman’s intuition (your gut).
“Have Fun Falling In Love” Love, Portland
I think I'm falling in love. I'm 28 years old and I've been dating this guy for 8 months now and he's funny, intelligent, outgoing and we have many of the same future goals. When I'm with him time flies and when we're apart I look forward to seeing him. We have become an important part of each others lives. The only problem is we have not spent an extended period of time together. We have not taken any long trips, or really have had any crisis' to weather so it makes me a little scared. I really want to know him as the complete man; not just the one who is great when everything is going right.
Falling In Love,
Dear Falling In Love,
I'd hoped for a question like this, because it's a bit of a challenge for me as I’ve had friends as well as myself in similar relationships. In a few cases the guy turned out to be a NO!
So, congratulations on meeting a nice guy. I applaud you for what seems like a pretty grounded approach to this relationship. Many times women meet a man, and he has all the above qualities. Then we rush into the relationship too quickly and the "real" person comes out that we don't like so much. I think 6-8 months is about the time you’ll start to see unpleasant personality traits in someone— you know when, as my friend Kym has said “the imposter leaves and the real person steps out.”
I suggest that you ask his advice about something in your life e.g work, school etc. where you might have some challenges. Or if you have car trouble or a car question, call him and ask his opinion or call him before AAA just to see how he handles it. Whether he comes to your rescue, calls a friend who is close by to help...whatever, it will give you better insight on how he may act in a crisis when you are in need. However, I’d stay away from money and family issues because those can be hard to navigate and subjective. If all goes well, then discuss a weekend trip and have fun but don’t look for anything negative to occur- just listen to your heart and especially your woman’s intuition (your gut).
“Have Fun Falling In Love” Love, Portland
April 12, 2009
Why Do All Women Say They Like A Big Penis?
Dear Portland,
Why do all women say they like a big penis?
--Annoyed
Dear Annoyed,
I don't think I ever heard a man say he doesn't like breasts?! Sorry, but its the world we live in...or better yet, the bed we have sex in!
Actually, most women will tell you that width and thickness is what is most desired. Most women simply cannot feel a small penis once inserted. Once all the juices are flowing and the inside of the vagina is ready to be penetrated...a small penis will just get lost in the sauce.
You didn't mention whether you were "annoyed" because you've just heard women say the aforementioned or if you are having issues in the "size" department. If you are having a problem with size, I suggest you become the expert at some other sexual act...perhaps oral. Or see your doctor to discuss enlargement. There are all kinds of products, both prescription and homeopathic, on the market that can help enlarge your appendage. There seems to be a support group for everything now-- maybe one exists, where there are women who are attracted to or need men with varied size penis'.
In any event, sex is very important in a relationship and size does matter...but it's not the only thing that matters. Remember..."It's not the size of the wand, it's the magic in it!"
"Penis" Love, Portland
Why do all women say they like a big penis?
--Annoyed
Dear Annoyed,
I don't think I ever heard a man say he doesn't like breasts?! Sorry, but its the world we live in...or better yet, the bed we have sex in!
Actually, most women will tell you that width and thickness is what is most desired. Most women simply cannot feel a small penis once inserted. Once all the juices are flowing and the inside of the vagina is ready to be penetrated...a small penis will just get lost in the sauce.
You didn't mention whether you were "annoyed" because you've just heard women say the aforementioned or if you are having issues in the "size" department. If you are having a problem with size, I suggest you become the expert at some other sexual act...perhaps oral. Or see your doctor to discuss enlargement. There are all kinds of products, both prescription and homeopathic, on the market that can help enlarge your appendage. There seems to be a support group for everything now-- maybe one exists, where there are women who are attracted to or need men with varied size penis'.
In any event, sex is very important in a relationship and size does matter...but it's not the only thing that matters. Remember..."It's not the size of the wand, it's the magic in it!"
"Penis" Love, Portland
March 11, 2009
What's Going On Between Me and This Guy?
Dear Portland,
I don't like him like that, but I do enjoy having him in my life. We talked for 3 weeks, then he fell asleep at my house woke up and he was acting all strange.. so I told him we should just be friends. Then he called me last night and it's like one second he wants a relationship and the next he doesn't... we both decided to be friends, and it sucks thinking about it. Why are men so darn complicated?
What's Going On?
Dear What's Going On...?,
That is the million dollar question! No really, you shouldn't be with a guy who is not "sure" if he wants a relationship with you. We women need to be more cut and dry. Men are actually pretty uncomplicated it's just us women who don't want to get over it and move on. He's just holding on to you until he finds someone better. He's just keeping his options open. The reason I can say this is because I've done it to guys I'm not "sure" about. I'll know that he's nice and even good looking but there is something "missing" but I'll say to myself "why not keep him around until I find someone else?" Totally unfair and selfish so I stopped doing it. He likes you-- but just enough. I've learned that accepting this type of guy in your life will start to chisel away at your self esteem and you don't need that. Keep it moving-- and find a guy who you have to work with to keep the relationship exciting rather than work at getting a relationship started.
"Sure" Love, Portland
I don't like him like that, but I do enjoy having him in my life. We talked for 3 weeks, then he fell asleep at my house woke up and he was acting all strange.. so I told him we should just be friends. Then he called me last night and it's like one second he wants a relationship and the next he doesn't... we both decided to be friends, and it sucks thinking about it. Why are men so darn complicated?
What's Going On?
Dear What's Going On...?,
That is the million dollar question! No really, you shouldn't be with a guy who is not "sure" if he wants a relationship with you. We women need to be more cut and dry. Men are actually pretty uncomplicated it's just us women who don't want to get over it and move on. He's just holding on to you until he finds someone better. He's just keeping his options open. The reason I can say this is because I've done it to guys I'm not "sure" about. I'll know that he's nice and even good looking but there is something "missing" but I'll say to myself "why not keep him around until I find someone else?" Totally unfair and selfish so I stopped doing it. He likes you-- but just enough. I've learned that accepting this type of guy in your life will start to chisel away at your self esteem and you don't need that. Keep it moving-- and find a guy who you have to work with to keep the relationship exciting rather than work at getting a relationship started.
"Sure" Love, Portland
January 04, 2009
He Chose Football Over Me!
Dear Portland,
My boyfriend of 5 months chooses football over me. I wanted him to meet my family, so when they came to town for New Years, he came over and met them. During his visit, my sister invited him to come to a family dinner on the day they were to leave town. He made the comment then that football would be on, but I thought he was joking. On the day of the dinner, he tells me he is not coming and is going to watch football. I was embarassed as I couldn't believe he chose football over me and my family. I think I should just give him space. I am not one to crowd another, but it is bothering me that football was more important than my family dinner. Should I be upset over his decision or just let it go?
Mad As Hell
Dear Mad As Hell,
Let it go.
Some guys love football, and we women need to stop with the whole "you love football more than me" stuff. Some men are just passionate about the game. It's a crazy reality. Please don't try to compete, just respect that he likes the game... then go do something else. Use it as your quiet time, go shopping or have lunch with some friends. It will probably make your life alot easier if you adapt this way of thinking.
In his defense, he did say the game would be on, but you thought he was joking...and he wasn't. So we really can't fault him at all because he was honest. It seems as if you misinterpreted his response. Should he have disregared your family so quickly? The answer is no, and a talk with him about that should really happen at some point; not about his relationship with football, but his being more tactful when he relates to football and scheduling plans with the rest of the world.
Then, give him some space, especially while the game is on- and when it's over, I think, he'll really appreciate you even more....especially if his team wins.
"Mad" Love, Portland
My boyfriend of 5 months chooses football over me. I wanted him to meet my family, so when they came to town for New Years, he came over and met them. During his visit, my sister invited him to come to a family dinner on the day they were to leave town. He made the comment then that football would be on, but I thought he was joking. On the day of the dinner, he tells me he is not coming and is going to watch football. I was embarassed as I couldn't believe he chose football over me and my family. I think I should just give him space. I am not one to crowd another, but it is bothering me that football was more important than my family dinner. Should I be upset over his decision or just let it go?
Mad As Hell
Dear Mad As Hell,
Let it go.
Some guys love football, and we women need to stop with the whole "you love football more than me" stuff. Some men are just passionate about the game. It's a crazy reality. Please don't try to compete, just respect that he likes the game... then go do something else. Use it as your quiet time, go shopping or have lunch with some friends. It will probably make your life alot easier if you adapt this way of thinking.
In his defense, he did say the game would be on, but you thought he was joking...and he wasn't. So we really can't fault him at all because he was honest. It seems as if you misinterpreted his response. Should he have disregared your family so quickly? The answer is no, and a talk with him about that should really happen at some point; not about his relationship with football, but his being more tactful when he relates to football and scheduling plans with the rest of the world.
Then, give him some space, especially while the game is on- and when it's over, I think, he'll really appreciate you even more....especially if his team wins.
"Mad" Love, Portland
December 07, 2008
Confused Brotha...
Dear Portland,
Maybe you can you help me understand something. I have dated several types of women from various ethnic groups and have noticed a consistent trend among my African-american sisters. When it comes to oral sex my sisters have no problem and in most cases insist on receiving oral sex from their male counter part. The problem for the brothers arises when it is time to reciprocate the enthusiasm is not there and mostly there is not a reciprocal relationship in this department. I started by sharing my past dating experience and have not found this same aversion and disdain for oral sex (to this level) in other ethnic groups. I have some ideas and have heard the sisters arguments for not participating, and they just do not hold water. Please shed some light on this, thank you.
Confused Brotha
Dear Confused,
Thank you for your question...but you know dayumm well sista's don't get down like that! Especially, if we are not in a "serious" relationship with you. Please understand that for many black women, oral sex goes beyond traditional sex...way beyond. We must have established a code of trust with our partner. Simply dating is not enough! Dinner, movie, then a blowjob?...probably not...as a matter of fact--hell no! Call me a prude if you'd like but, maybe, just maybe, some dinner(s), a few movie(s), plenty of time together and all the other dating and getting to know you "stuff" that couples do; then, maybe, possibly, intercourse... then, maybe, oral depending on the girl. And you being the first to take the plung doesn't sweeten the deal honey...men have historically given oral sex quicker than us women. I've thought for a long time that guys are hardwired for this occupation because you just do it. Yes, we love it, but, no, reciprocation is not automatic nor should it be expected. Do you see where I'm going with this? (smile)
Your not the first guy to say that other ethnicities are much more inclined to perform. My answer is... it may be their cultural nature. For example, in many cultures the woman is thought of as a second class citizen, so I can imagine that oral performance is just that...performance.
Now I'm feel safe saying that there is some sista out there willing to grant your wish, lickity split...you've just got to find her. But, if you're serious about this and any woman, give her time. And look at as a positive...if she isn't willing to "go down" on you so quickly, I doubt she's been down on many other guys either. ...And when she does...write me, I'd love to answer a "follow-up" question!
With "Un-Confused" Love, Portland
Maybe you can you help me understand something. I have dated several types of women from various ethnic groups and have noticed a consistent trend among my African-american sisters. When it comes to oral sex my sisters have no problem and in most cases insist on receiving oral sex from their male counter part. The problem for the brothers arises when it is time to reciprocate the enthusiasm is not there and mostly there is not a reciprocal relationship in this department. I started by sharing my past dating experience and have not found this same aversion and disdain for oral sex (to this level) in other ethnic groups. I have some ideas and have heard the sisters arguments for not participating, and they just do not hold water. Please shed some light on this, thank you.
Confused Brotha
Dear Confused,
Thank you for your question...but you know dayumm well sista's don't get down like that! Especially, if we are not in a "serious" relationship with you. Please understand that for many black women, oral sex goes beyond traditional sex...way beyond. We must have established a code of trust with our partner. Simply dating is not enough! Dinner, movie, then a blowjob?...probably not...as a matter of fact--hell no! Call me a prude if you'd like but, maybe, just maybe, some dinner(s), a few movie(s), plenty of time together and all the other dating and getting to know you "stuff" that couples do; then, maybe, possibly, intercourse... then, maybe, oral depending on the girl. And you being the first to take the plung doesn't sweeten the deal honey...men have historically given oral sex quicker than us women. I've thought for a long time that guys are hardwired for this occupation because you just do it. Yes, we love it, but, no, reciprocation is not automatic nor should it be expected. Do you see where I'm going with this? (smile)
Your not the first guy to say that other ethnicities are much more inclined to perform. My answer is... it may be their cultural nature. For example, in many cultures the woman is thought of as a second class citizen, so I can imagine that oral performance is just that...performance.
Now I'm feel safe saying that there is some sista out there willing to grant your wish, lickity split...you've just got to find her. But, if you're serious about this and any woman, give her time. And look at as a positive...if she isn't willing to "go down" on you so quickly, I doubt she's been down on many other guys either. ...And when she does...write me, I'd love to answer a "follow-up" question!
With "Un-Confused" Love, Portland
November 26, 2008
Red Wine...
Dear Portland,
I have a half a bottle of red wine that has been sitting on my counter for a little over a week...is it ok to drink?
Yes or No
Dear Yes or No,
Yup. And if you don't drink it, I will.
"Drunk" Love, Portland
I have a half a bottle of red wine that has been sitting on my counter for a little over a week...is it ok to drink?
Yes or No
Dear Yes or No,
Yup. And if you don't drink it, I will.
"Drunk" Love, Portland
Cleansing Sensitive Areas?
Dear Portland,
I shouldn't use soap on the inside of my vagina when I clean it. It is kind of an allergy maybe. My doctor told me this when I was very young. It just makes me a little itchy. I stopped using it and I am fine, but here is the deal...It doesn't get as sweet smelling as I would like it to. You know like if you wash your under arm with just water, it will smell natural, but not as fresh and sweet as if you were to use soap, and of course all the more sweet if you were to add deodorant.
So what I would like to know is what should I clean with, besides water and vinegar (cause I know about that one) that will make it smell sweet. Or perhaps, there is an oil I can use after I clean it with water? I used Summer's Eve but I am a little sensitive to that too. Thank you.
Sensitive
Dear Sensitive,
And I thought I was obsessed with being clean!
I've heard Summer's Eve is one of the worst things you can use in that area. Vinegar and water (douche) not only removes the harmful bacteria but the good bacteria as well. Removing the good bacteria can cause all kinds of problems- of the itchy kind. As for the oil--I wouldn't even go there.
The vagina is supposed to have a certain smell but not a strong odor. There's an acidic level "down there" that should not be messed with. Most gynecologist say soap in that area a "no-no" and women should clean the outside of the vaginal area with a hypo-allergenic soap (Dove Sensitive Skin is great). Most suggest replacing your current shower head with a hand-held model, do not use a washcloth as that can cause irritation too; instead, put some soap on your hand to wash the area and use the hand-held shower head to rinse.
If you continue to have persistent problems--see a doctor.
"Poo-poo" Love, Portland
I shouldn't use soap on the inside of my vagina when I clean it. It is kind of an allergy maybe. My doctor told me this when I was very young. It just makes me a little itchy. I stopped using it and I am fine, but here is the deal...It doesn't get as sweet smelling as I would like it to. You know like if you wash your under arm with just water, it will smell natural, but not as fresh and sweet as if you were to use soap, and of course all the more sweet if you were to add deodorant.
So what I would like to know is what should I clean with, besides water and vinegar (cause I know about that one) that will make it smell sweet. Or perhaps, there is an oil I can use after I clean it with water? I used Summer's Eve but I am a little sensitive to that too. Thank you.
Sensitive
Dear Sensitive,
And I thought I was obsessed with being clean!
I've heard Summer's Eve is one of the worst things you can use in that area. Vinegar and water (douche) not only removes the harmful bacteria but the good bacteria as well. Removing the good bacteria can cause all kinds of problems- of the itchy kind. As for the oil--I wouldn't even go there.
The vagina is supposed to have a certain smell but not a strong odor. There's an acidic level "down there" that should not be messed with. Most gynecologist say soap in that area a "no-no" and women should clean the outside of the vaginal area with a hypo-allergenic soap (Dove Sensitive Skin is great). Most suggest replacing your current shower head with a hand-held model, do not use a washcloth as that can cause irritation too; instead, put some soap on your hand to wash the area and use the hand-held shower head to rinse.
If you continue to have persistent problems--see a doctor.
"Poo-poo" Love, Portland
Can't Get Over An Ex!
Dear Portland,
My ex and I broke up a few months ago. It was a horrible, messy breakup and we aren't speaking. I think he's over it, but I'm still extremely hurt and depressed. My friends & family are tired of hearing me talk about him, and I'm tired of thinking about him. We had a serious relationship for 2 years, and it's killing me it didn't work out. How do I get over this already? It's ruined friendships and has affected my school work.
--An Ex-Mess
Dear Ex-Mess,
Sorry to hear about your breakup...to put it frankly--breaking up is the worst and most of us have been there.
I'll assume since you said "it looks like he's moved on"--he broke up with you. My advice is to give yourself time to grieve -one month max. Most would say to just "get out there to take your mind off of things" and/or "the best way to get over someone--is with someone else." All true, but many people, run out prematurely. Don't be ashamed to take time to heal your heart. Too many women--and men too-- don't take the time to heal and keep repeating the vicious cycle.
When the month is up, or before if you think your strong enough--I need you to get up and moving! Connect with friends and old boyfriends (the one's that are real friends) that you may have lost touch with and like Beyonce's song "Put Your Freakum' Dress On"...and go out and have fun.
From your question, I'm not sure if you want him back or not. Either way re-focus on your school work. If you want your ex back then go to places he frequents, look hot and he'll notice. But remember although tough, you broke up for a reason and there is no sense in going back to the same problems-so talk alot and give the process some time. If you don't want him back, don't go to his familiar spots and just have fun--all while looking your most fabulous-- until you meet your new prince. Closed doors can open up new windows.
"Freakum Dress" Love, Portland
My ex and I broke up a few months ago. It was a horrible, messy breakup and we aren't speaking. I think he's over it, but I'm still extremely hurt and depressed. My friends & family are tired of hearing me talk about him, and I'm tired of thinking about him. We had a serious relationship for 2 years, and it's killing me it didn't work out. How do I get over this already? It's ruined friendships and has affected my school work.
--An Ex-Mess
Dear Ex-Mess,
Sorry to hear about your breakup...to put it frankly--breaking up is the worst and most of us have been there.
I'll assume since you said "it looks like he's moved on"--he broke up with you. My advice is to give yourself time to grieve -one month max. Most would say to just "get out there to take your mind off of things" and/or "the best way to get over someone--is with someone else." All true, but many people, run out prematurely. Don't be ashamed to take time to heal your heart. Too many women--and men too-- don't take the time to heal and keep repeating the vicious cycle.
When the month is up, or before if you think your strong enough--I need you to get up and moving! Connect with friends and old boyfriends (the one's that are real friends) that you may have lost touch with and like Beyonce's song "Put Your Freakum' Dress On"...and go out and have fun.
From your question, I'm not sure if you want him back or not. Either way re-focus on your school work. If you want your ex back then go to places he frequents, look hot and he'll notice. But remember although tough, you broke up for a reason and there is no sense in going back to the same problems-so talk alot and give the process some time. If you don't want him back, don't go to his familiar spots and just have fun--all while looking your most fabulous-- until you meet your new prince. Closed doors can open up new windows.
"Freakum Dress" Love, Portland
Turning 30 in NYC...
Dear Portland,
I'm a female and my 30th birthday is approaching and I wanted to do something different in New York City with my boyfriend and friends. Any ideas??
Turning 30 in NYC...
Dear Almost 30,
Wow, congratulations on turning 30!
I suggest you do something that I call the..."Around Manhattan." Which means, you and your guests go to a different place for everything, including drinks. If your friends live in NY they'll be pleasantly surprised-- and if you have out-of-town guests...they'll be talking about the evening for years to come.
What you'll need:
1. Dress- Comfortable but fashionable....my experience is, you get treated better in the city if you look good. No sequins...just chic and classy.
2. At least $125.00-$150.00 each--I didn't say it would be cheap.
3. A need to have a good time and see the city.
4. Take a cab everywhere as most places are not within walking distance.
Stop 1-Drinks.
Try a new "in" restaurant for drinks. Pick a place that is either impossible to get a reservation or out of budget-- but fabulous. I suggest--"Nobu" downtown or "The Four Seasons" on 57th...and I really liked the cocktails and atmosphere at the "Blue Room" in the "W Hotel" in Times Square.
Stop 2-Dinner.
Choose a New York classic or something famous that has been featured in a movie. A place your guests can relate too--and have bragging rights to later. My suggestion--"One If By Land, Two If By Sea, in Midtown or " Peter Lugers" in Brooklyn or you can go somewhere more inexpensive but still good eats like "Mangia Bevi" on 9th or "Carmines" a popular theater restaurant in Time Square.
Stop 3-Dessert.
You really want to make it a famous spot...after all, it is DESSERT! Try Serendipity, famous for their "frozen hot chocolate" 60 different chocolates...frankly, it's liquid sex. You can't drink one alone, sharing's good here. Located on the upper east side. And one of my all time NYC favorites in Washington Square is "The Coffee Shop." I know, dry name and so is the outside moniker, but they are big on desserts. Plus don't be surprised if your sitting next to a famous actor or singer. There's usually at least two posting at the bar or in a booth on any given night.
Stop 4- Nightclub.
We had a great time at the "Apt" (Apartment) in the Meat Packing District. Great music and the place is set up like some one's apartment with a full bar and music.
Stop 5- Breakfast/Brunch. (After the club or the next day)
I highly suggest "Balthazar" on Spring St. Fabulous food and wine and a "must dine" for anyone living or visiting the city. This can get crowded--so call in advance.
I hope these suggestions help make the "Big 3-0" very memorable. Have a great birthday, be safe and send me a note of how the night turns out.
I'm a female and my 30th birthday is approaching and I wanted to do something different in New York City with my boyfriend and friends. Any ideas??
Turning 30 in NYC...
Dear Almost 30,
Wow, congratulations on turning 30!
I suggest you do something that I call the..."Around Manhattan." Which means, you and your guests go to a different place for everything, including drinks. If your friends live in NY they'll be pleasantly surprised-- and if you have out-of-town guests...they'll be talking about the evening for years to come.
What you'll need:
1. Dress- Comfortable but fashionable....my experience is, you get treated better in the city if you look good. No sequins...just chic and classy.
2. At least $125.00-$150.00 each--I didn't say it would be cheap.
3. A need to have a good time and see the city.
4. Take a cab everywhere as most places are not within walking distance.
Stop 1-Drinks.
Try a new "in" restaurant for drinks. Pick a place that is either impossible to get a reservation or out of budget-- but fabulous. I suggest--"Nobu" downtown or "The Four Seasons" on 57th...and I really liked the cocktails and atmosphere at the "Blue Room" in the "W Hotel" in Times Square.
Stop 2-Dinner.
Choose a New York classic or something famous that has been featured in a movie. A place your guests can relate too--and have bragging rights to later. My suggestion--"One If By Land, Two If By Sea, in Midtown or " Peter Lugers" in Brooklyn or you can go somewhere more inexpensive but still good eats like "Mangia Bevi" on 9th or "Carmines" a popular theater restaurant in Time Square.
Stop 3-Dessert.
You really want to make it a famous spot...after all, it is DESSERT! Try Serendipity, famous for their "frozen hot chocolate" 60 different chocolates...frankly, it's liquid sex. You can't drink one alone, sharing's good here. Located on the upper east side. And one of my all time NYC favorites in Washington Square is "The Coffee Shop." I know, dry name and so is the outside moniker, but they are big on desserts. Plus don't be surprised if your sitting next to a famous actor or singer. There's usually at least two posting at the bar or in a booth on any given night.
Stop 4- Nightclub.
We had a great time at the "Apt" (Apartment) in the Meat Packing District. Great music and the place is set up like some one's apartment with a full bar and music.
Stop 5- Breakfast/Brunch. (After the club or the next day)
I highly suggest "Balthazar" on Spring St. Fabulous food and wine and a "must dine" for anyone living or visiting the city. This can get crowded--so call in advance.
I hope these suggestions help make the "Big 3-0" very memorable. Have a great birthday, be safe and send me a note of how the night turns out.
November 24, 2008
Mr. Single in Baltimore
Dear Portland,
Why do women have more expectations in their mate than they do in themselves? (e.g., good job/job security, decent living conditions, nice ride and education.)
--Mr. Single in Baltimore
Dear Mr. Single in Baltimore,
Please stop going to wherever you are meeting these women!
Seriously--Women want a man they can respect. Some women, myself included, are attracted to a man who has accomplished things, in life, both large and small. And despite her “check marks” and/or lack thereof, she wants to be proud of him and have bragging rights to his accomplishments. Also, some women may think a man who has not reached a certain level by a certain age isn’t setting a good example of a good future husband, father and provider. I didn’t say it was fair, but it is the reality for some.
You might ask, “why can’t those accomplishments be reached together?” The answer is…they can, but some men and women while waiting for “the one” are earning degree(s) with large salaries and accumulating many of the material things commonly attached to those earnings (education, home, luxury car, vacations, etc.) and some are not. Then there are those who are just waiting for “you” to come along with all your “bag of accomplishments” and material items to make life better for them. It really just depends on the woman or man.
Maybe you have one of those “rare” women who believes “men hunt and women nest.” That is, a woman who may have grown up in a two parent family where the father was the bread winner and the mother stayed at home—may be conditioned to think this way--which is part of her foundation. There are even some women who have concluded that relationships like their parents and grandparents "worked" when the women stayed at home, took care of the house and children and was more submissive—including sexually.
My best friend is a good example. Like her father, her husband is an entrepreneur and she’s helping him with all the grueling legwork to open another store location; just like her mother helped her father do at some point during their marriage. My friend is college-educated with good organizational and communication skills but she neither works nor wants an outside job. Is she working to her potential? Most would probably say “no.” However, she is invaluable to her husband, his business, their life and especially to what they are attempting to accomplish together—and they like it that way. Not only does she take care of all the day to day house and life minutia including cooking and cleaning; she plans their vacations, takes care of anything else that pops up (and you know stuff pops up-a leaky roof last week) and represents her husband at important business meetings he can’t attend because he’s running the first store.
Some men might say “she doesn’t have a real job and none of what she’s doing is bringing in any additional income.” True, but it works for them which is why you should use your situation as its own benchmark and ignore society and certainly what your friends may be whispering in your ear.
My advice, talk to her, as you may not know her whole story or fully understand her foundation. Her conversation could amaze you or disappoint. In the end, all the expectations that you say she expects, should be expectations that you have for yourself and more (minus the nice ride--not a deal breaker, that’s just immature.) But, if you are looking for a woman to compete with you?—then maybe you should rethink your motives and what you really want in a relationship. Because a relationship/love is not about being equal in accomplishments, career or money it’s about being equally yoked.
On the other hand, is it possible that you’re dating a gold-digger who is just lazy and wants to take more that she gives to the relationship? or is just plain immature? In either case, I suggest… you drop her like a bad habit.
"Baltimore" Love, Portland
Why do women have more expectations in their mate than they do in themselves? (e.g., good job/job security, decent living conditions, nice ride and education.)
--Mr. Single in Baltimore
Dear Mr. Single in Baltimore,
Please stop going to wherever you are meeting these women!
Seriously--Women want a man they can respect. Some women, myself included, are attracted to a man who has accomplished things, in life, both large and small. And despite her “check marks” and/or lack thereof, she wants to be proud of him and have bragging rights to his accomplishments. Also, some women may think a man who has not reached a certain level by a certain age isn’t setting a good example of a good future husband, father and provider. I didn’t say it was fair, but it is the reality for some.
You might ask, “why can’t those accomplishments be reached together?” The answer is…they can, but some men and women while waiting for “the one” are earning degree(s) with large salaries and accumulating many of the material things commonly attached to those earnings (education, home, luxury car, vacations, etc.) and some are not. Then there are those who are just waiting for “you” to come along with all your “bag of accomplishments” and material items to make life better for them. It really just depends on the woman or man.
Maybe you have one of those “rare” women who believes “men hunt and women nest.” That is, a woman who may have grown up in a two parent family where the father was the bread winner and the mother stayed at home—may be conditioned to think this way--which is part of her foundation. There are even some women who have concluded that relationships like their parents and grandparents "worked" when the women stayed at home, took care of the house and children and was more submissive—including sexually.
My best friend is a good example. Like her father, her husband is an entrepreneur and she’s helping him with all the grueling legwork to open another store location; just like her mother helped her father do at some point during their marriage. My friend is college-educated with good organizational and communication skills but she neither works nor wants an outside job. Is she working to her potential? Most would probably say “no.” However, she is invaluable to her husband, his business, their life and especially to what they are attempting to accomplish together—and they like it that way. Not only does she take care of all the day to day house and life minutia including cooking and cleaning; she plans their vacations, takes care of anything else that pops up (and you know stuff pops up-a leaky roof last week) and represents her husband at important business meetings he can’t attend because he’s running the first store.
Some men might say “she doesn’t have a real job and none of what she’s doing is bringing in any additional income.” True, but it works for them which is why you should use your situation as its own benchmark and ignore society and certainly what your friends may be whispering in your ear.
My advice, talk to her, as you may not know her whole story or fully understand her foundation. Her conversation could amaze you or disappoint. In the end, all the expectations that you say she expects, should be expectations that you have for yourself and more (minus the nice ride--not a deal breaker, that’s just immature.) But, if you are looking for a woman to compete with you?—then maybe you should rethink your motives and what you really want in a relationship. Because a relationship/love is not about being equal in accomplishments, career or money it’s about being equally yoked.
On the other hand, is it possible that you’re dating a gold-digger who is just lazy and wants to take more that she gives to the relationship? or is just plain immature? In either case, I suggest… you drop her like a bad habit.
"Baltimore" Love, Portland
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